Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Da Bomb

Today they posted in my classroom an FBI bomb threat checklist presumably to use as a reference in the event that a "bomb threatener" calls me while I am in the midst of molding the young minds of America. No shi+.

It includes a list of questions to ask the caller, numbered in the order to ask them, and in their "raw" raw state I mean they contain typos and grammatical errors. None of the questions address the issue of getting fair warning for comfortable shoes rather than the spike heels I suffered with during our last bomb threat. Duckit and I want to know if we don't make it through all the questions will we get in trouble? (Please, sir, I really need you to calm down and answer each of my questions - we may be being monitored for quality assurance.)

The second part lists voice characteristics to check off....I like to think of these as "character traits" (h3ll, I can turn anything into a TAKS lesson!), lisps and stuttering and accents -- then later on down you are supposed to evaluate the voice's tone such as loud, angry, and incoherent. I'm just guessing that if the bomb threatener had a lisp AND stuttered AND had an accent we could check the incoherent box!!!!!!!!!! (Perhaps there should be a separate form for the lisping, stuttering, incoherent threatener with an accent to be referred for Speech and/or ESL assistance.)

Then we noticed we are supposed to record time -- Wait! Mr. Bomb Threatener!!! I need to go get my fluency timer. Can you repeat that at an acceptable rate with expression and accuracy so I can record it???? I'm thinking 118 words correct per minute -- it's what 3rd graders have to read... I can evaluate that pretty accurately.

Also -- while we are timing this and asking the guy 20 questions and marking off his voice qualities, we are also supposed to listen for and record background noises. Crockery. wtf????? Pottery? Excuse me sir, is that crockery I hear smashing in the background of your threat or is it merely ceramicware?????

WAIT!!!!!!!! Is it BINGO???? We see how many of the boxes we can check off if a bomb threatener calls us. Will we win a prize???? Will it be a lovely set of crockery ??????

I keep telling the Lucilles that strippers have a much less stressful work environment. Duckit finally agrees. She said she bets no strippers are having to keep bomb threat phone log documentation.

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