Friday, September 14, 2012


I was unable to fulfill my regular football game parking lot duties tonight because it was just too crazy and they needed us to "spread out."  Being unable to fulfill your regular duties means that the first-runner up receives the crown.  Which means that I have "my people" in the Reserved Parking Area so well-trained that a man could handle it and so my parking lot duties fell to MyPoolBoy this evening and I had to go take over directing traffic on a corner.  Not that I am not fully comfortable working a corner, it just a deviation from the norm that was somewhat noteworthy to me.

I was fully prepared for the task, wearing my specially-designed parking lot duty shirt that has the word PARKING emblazoned across the chest with sparkly silver letters and a rhinestone tiara ironed on underneath.  This attire is not only pretty, but also functional, so that people will realize that I am, in fact, sober and SUPPOSED to be out there and not just on a Friday night bender with a sudden reckless whim to stand in a high school parking lot and direct traffic at the football game.  

I was waving and smiling and helping people avoid the moral depravity of parking in handicapped spaces when this woman pulled her car up to my post and wanted to drop her daughter off right there in the middle of the flow of traffic and turn around in the middle of the flow of traffic so that she could go back out the way she came and avoid going on a rocky bumpy dirt road.  I asked nicely - politely - professionally for her to please pull into the parking lot by the band hall and let the ladies in that parking lot help her turn around.  She didn't like that answer either.  She started yelling at me that she didn't want to tear up her car on the rocky bumpy dirt road.  I tried to explain to her that if she would follow the flow of traffic, she could turn around before the road and not block traffic.  Then her kid just says "just let me out here, Mom" and bangs me in the leg with her door as she jumped out of the car.  The mom took off, brushing the back flank of her vehicle against the very same leg her kid had just tried to maim, and pulled into the-very-same-parking-lot-I-had-just-asked-her-to-go-to-only-moments-prior. So I guess basically I was hit (albeit lightly) by a car tonight.  Once she was able to turn back around against the flow of traffic she gassed it back past me so that I would get the message that she was pi$$ed off at me for trying to make her drive her precious car down that rocky bumpy dirt road.  

Approximately 40 yards later, I heard the lilting sounds of metal scraping asphalt as she bottomed out while going too fast over a speed bump.  

Dear Karma, 
Thank you for being a bigger bi+ch than me tonight and allowing me be there to witness it.

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