ETA

Adding to the whole TAKS benchmark ridiculousness-
We were at a grade-level meeting with the C&I admin over at the Big House. She said that the results would be able to help campus principals point out any problems.

Felix said the only problem our principal would get from OUR results would be a drinking problem.

School Daze

First of all, we had to give the release TAKS math test to our kids today (Yes, after the 5th week of school - test 'em on all the objectives that they haven't learned yet.) The premise was to see growth between now and mid-year and closer to TAKS time. Uhhhh, yeah. You'll see plenty of growth. Average score was about 30 or 40. The poor kids! They were so frustrated! Most hilarious to me was that my pre-primer reader baby got the mult/div problems right (and only like 5 other problems right!) So it looks like the only thing he has mastered is mult/div. HAHAHAHAHAHA! So what will I glean from the data and results of today's test? Well, judging from my pre-primer baby's results, I would have to say that my professional educated conclusion is that even a blind squirrel finds a nut every now and then!

Also - Thunderduck and I were discussing the absolute worst position in education would have to be subbing pre-k. Which we topped with worse: subbing bi-lingual pre-k. Which could only be worse if it was subbing special ed bi-lingual pre-k. But hey, if it was subbing you would have the option of turning it down.

There is a reason why I'm only certified 1-6. There is also a reason why I don't have any sped or bilingual/esl endorsements. Cuz with my luck, special ed bi-lingual pre-k is where they'd probably put me if they legally could. I'm not limiting myself...I'm INSURING myself.

OMG

I wish I was making this up. Dayum! No camera phone!

Grandpa Lance just walked in with biker shorts (too short) yellow and red long-sleeved jersey, red and black anklet socks and BOAT SHOES. His legs are shaved -- I mean as bare as the bald spot in the middle of his gray-white hair. There are visible varicose veins. He is wearing bifocals.

BOAT SHOES! Did the Social Security check not come in yet so that you could get the shoes to complete the whole outfit?

Maybe he'll lend me some Depends cuz I'm about to pee myself!

Trick or Trat

Chunk announced to us at dinner that he wanted to go as FDR on Halloween so that he could just ride down the street in a wheelchair and not have to walk to trick or treat.

Then the conversation devolved when Lurch chimed in that he could be Steven Hawking instead and not even have to yell "Trick or Treat" -- he could just use a Speak and Spell.

"Trick or Trat" "0h shit" backspace backspace "Treat"

So this brought me to ponder: What if Steven Hawking had Tourrette's. Would the Speak and Spell cuss?

Edited to add: How can I get diagnosed with Tourrette's? It sure would save me a lot of grief at the PlaceWhereI'mNotAllowedToYellTheF-WordAnymore.

Further Proof

That social studies education is sorely lacking in the country today.

Because, according to 4 of my students, Christopher Columbus is the president.
2 of them said he was a scientist
1 said he was an actor
1 said he was a statue (?)

and 1 said he was a phenpe...
whatever the hell phenpe is supposed to spell.

I emailed MyPoolBoy when this happened and he replied "didn't he discover the moon?"

Which might be what phenpe means.

I have decided that I will have my low students sign up to be cryptologists for national security. All the government will have to do is tell them to copy a secret message exactly the way it is written (ha!). The code will only be able to be broken by Special Ed teachers and some highly trained Reading Specialists. AND it will be completely secure from "leaks" because, not only will it be undecipherable from the original, but the kids won't be able to read/comprehend/remember what they wrote anyway!

Or is it cryptographers? I guess technically since they are writing the code they would be considered cryptographers instead of cryptologists.

Excuse me. There's a spot on the wall I haven't banged my head against yet.

A Social Studies Lesson

People should be given an IQ test prior to being issued an email address. And they must show proficiency in checking Snopes or some other online source for accuracies/inaccuracies of the crap that they pass on to other people.

My latest exhibit in ignorant internet inaccuracies: An email forward from ShallowHal's wife, and my mother the RumRunner. (Caution: Although I have provided the whole email here, you may not want to read it in its entirety as it will make your eyes roll, your head shake, and send your breathing pattern into one of exasperated sighs.)

Is it not enough that our kids can't even pray at school anymore, I'm sorry but this is what is wrong with the world, THEY are taking GOD out of everything because it is offending people...

Subject: Removal of Joel Osteen, Joyce Meyer, Creflo Dollar, TD Jakes

An organization has been granted a Federal Hearing on the same subject by the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) in Washington, DC Their petition, Number 2493, would ultimately pave the way to stop the reading of the gospel of our Lord and Savior, on the airwaves of America. They got 287,000 signatures to back their stand! If this attempt is successful, all Sunday worship services being broadcast on the radio or by television will be stopped. This group is also campaigning to remove all Christmas programs and Christmas carols from public schools! You as a Christian can help! We are praying for at least 1 million signatures. This would defeat their effort and show that there are many Christians alive, well and concerned about our country. As Christians, we must unite on this.
Please don't take this lightly. We ignored one lady once and lost prayer in our schools and in offices across the nation. Please stand up for your religious freedom and let your voice be heard. Together we can make a difference in our country while creating an opportunity for the lost to know the Lord.
Please, if you don't wish to participate, return this email to whoever sent it to you so they can at least keep this email going or forward it to some one you know who will wish to participate. Dr. Dobson is going on CNBC to urge every Christian to get involved. I hope you will sign and forward to all your family and friends.

My response was only slightly characteristically bitchy, yet still enlightening, I think:

http://www.snopes.com/politics/religion/fcc.asp
If you read the snopes article, the anti-religious petition asked only to ban it from education stations. In 1974.

There is a little thing called the US Constitution that makes banning ALL religious programming against the law. There's this whole freedom of speech/press/religion thing in there.

If the atheists and communists and neo-nazis had enough brains they would use the freedoms of the Constitution to their advantage and pool their resources to buy their own radio and tv time slots instead of just petitioning to get it off of other stations.

Lucky for us, they don't have enough brains.

You might want to pass the snopes article on to anyone you might have sent the email to.

Lesson over. There won't even be a quiz if you promise not to send me any more internet pollution.

I Lost 3 Pounds!

In my sleep! I've been home for 2 days (kicked out of school by NurseRatchet) with a 101+ degree fever. Actually up to 102.8 at one point. I don't really remember much from the past 2 days. My tonsils were swollen and it hurt to swallow. So between being passed out from fever and not able to swallow more than a tablespoon at a time of Campbell's delightful concoction from my childhood, not my soul, - their infamous "Chicken Noodle Soup -" I have dropped 3 pounds!

Thunderduck called it the Deathbed Diet.
Yeah, from the creators of Montezuma's Revenge.

I thought I could market it if I lick the tops of some Slimfast cans and hermetically seal them with some sort of cover to keep the germs incubated sufficiently. You, too, can waste away to nothing and never even realize it.

Felix said I'm a dork.

Correction: Felix said I'm SUCH a dork.

Professionalism: A Definition

I very professionally managed to write 4 pages of my observations of Screech during all of his melt-downs over the last 3 weeks. I did not use terms like Defcon 5, nor did I embellish the descriptions of his running/flailing arms/screaming/crying/snot-blowing fits with the simile "like a howler monkey hopped up on Mountain Dew."

I didn't even say snot-blowing.

Where do I send the bill for the box of wine that I've killed off since school started because of him, though?

Girl's Best Friend

Thunderduck's girlfriend was down for the weekend and they were watching tv together when one of those if-you-really-love-her-you'll-buy-her-a-diamond commercials came on. She told him that the he should be buying her a diamond. He said wait right here...and walked out the door. He came back a few minutes later with a piece of charcoal from the grill. He beamingly placed it into her hand and announced that if she would just squeeze on it for 40,000 years, she'd have a diamond!

She should kill him in his sleep.

I would help dump the body.

Nanny 911

Chunk came in here all upset that I should change the channel and watch Nanny 911 cuz I wouldn't believe these kids were hitting and beating each other and the mom was doing nothing about it.

I don't think I reacted how he wanted.

Cuz I told him that it was probably better that way - it was survival of the fittest, natural selection. As a mother, she just figured if they killed each other at least she wouldn't have to deal with them any more. Sounded like a good plan.

He walked out. I guess I'm no fun.

Bang Bang!

Good Gawd! Some news channel had a biography on Palin last night and I swear I nearly went into fits over the hair on those Alaskan women that they interviewed. Now, I KNOW that they are farther north than the rest of us lower 48, and don't get the latest trends and all in a timely manner, but someone, for the love of Pete, please, shove these dames into a Delorean and send them ahead about 2 or 3 decades with a copy of Vogue or at least Soap Opera digest to look at on their trip.

There were at least 4 of the co-workers, friends, acquaintances, etc. of Palin that had bangs.

Not the 90's swept-over-the-eye bangs, either. These were full-on frontal page-boy bangs that had been curled under with a 3/4" barrel Vidal Sassoon curling iron from Walmart. Complete with the South's own tribute to ozone layer depletion: AquaNet. It was all I could do to keep from crawling through the screen with a blow-dryer and a barrel brush and combing that shi+ out.

So although, I thought McCain had lost the redneck vote by choosing a woman running mate (cuz the rednecks won't vote for anyone who is not a white male), I now think that the biography will at least regain the redneckerellas vote because they will like "the way them wimmen fix thar har."

Except I doubt many rednecks were watching CNN last night cuz college football was on at the same time.

Everything Has Its Price

There was a waitress in a too-short and too-tight and too-low dress last night.

She reminded Felix of a woman that she knows that has store-bought boobs that are actually nice-looking.

Felix said she would KILL for boobs like that. She wouldn't pay for them, but she WOULD kill for them.

Time Out

Ok, so last night DrunkenFelix and I had a long-overdue evening out, which resulted in becoming another one of our blog-worthy misadventures. We decided the first week of school had been too much to handle and we needed to get our Friday drink on.

Felix has a switch class with a VERY defiant boy in it, and some of the other kids seem to fear no consequences. She is already frustrated.

I have Screech of Honk-and-Screech fame, Mr. This-Is-Not-the-Playground himself. I needed a drink on TUESDAY.

So we go to the SportsBar downtown with MyPoolBoy and pigged out on a smorgasboard of bar food. A little later, here comes a co-worker, Striptease (she told everyone in one of those "getting to know you" games at the start of school that she had been a stripper in college - it was a riot!). She had been out to eat with her hubby and stopped in for a glass of wine. We had a blast talking and digging out the tiara and boa for them, and when she went to the restroom, we asked her man how they met - he had been her professor in college! BWAHAHAHAHA! So now I have to call him the Prof.

Well, they left and MyPoolBoy went down to another place and DrunkenFelix and I decide to go collect tips for the band because their jar was empty, and we felt bad for them. As we make our way around, some guy tells Felix "If I want to tip the band, I will tip the band." Felix said we didn't know the band, we were just trying to help them out a little. And again he said, "If I want to tip the band, I will tip the band... do you understand?" And DrunkenFelix said, "I understand that you're an a$$hole" and walked off. So that was funny at the time.

We made our way back around and gave the band their tips, and sat back down. About 2 minutes later the manager comes over and asks us if we were the ones collecting tips for the band. We said yes. She said she didn't appreciate us calling her patrons a$$holes and for us to not collect any more tips for the band. Felix told her we didn't even know the band, we just were trying to be nice. Manager tells Felix that she didn't want her customers treated badly and he was a good tipper. Felix told her "Am I not a customer too? You don't know if I'm a good tipper or not" and TURNED HER BACK TO THE MANAGER. I just sat there and shrugged my shoulders. The manager started to walk around the table to get were she could look Felix in the face, but I guess she thought the better of it and walked back off to talk to A$$holeTipper. So there we sat on the bench at the table in the SportsBar. And we dared not move. Like we were in TIME OUT for name-calling after A$$holeTipper tattled on us.

But then, as if the heavens above parted and a ray of shimmering golden light was showing us the way to salvation and repentence for our sins, there sat one of the owners of the SportsBar. And DrunkenFelix knows him - it was CIALIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, we got out of time out for sure, but right about then MyPoolBoy came back and we told him what had happened and he had us go down to the place down the street with him.

Here's the difference: We walk up to the place, see the owners (that MyPoolBoy knows really well) and I tell them that we just left the SportsBar because we basically were put in time out for calling someone an a$$hole. So OwnerLady puts her arms around us and tells us that will NEVER happen in her bar, and walks us in. As we make our way to the bar, she points out several people, and with each one she says, "That's an a$$hole, and as long as you are here, you can call him an a$$hole if you want to!"

Successful evening.

Why is it that guys dance in place (especially when seated) with that forward almost-autistic to-and-fro rocking movement and think that they are jammin? I mean the whole 80s head-banging heavy metal hair band genre alone should suffice as evidence to this dance craze sensation.

It is a pseudo sexual movement, I'm sure. That's probably why dancing is considered sinful in some religions. And I don't think that it's necessarily that the intention of the dancer is to be risque - it's just that's how white boyz dance.

Badge of Honor

This http://www.says-it.com/seal/
has inspired me to think about making myself some WTP/Lucille merit badges.
There would be a list of requirements for each badge, of course. I'm thinking some of the badges could be:
Drinking Badge
Regalia Badge
Purse Badge
Witty Comebacks/Smart-Mouth Comments Badge
Trailer and/or Home Decor Badge
Walmart Cuisine Badge
Music and Songs Badge

Any ideas?
Any takers?

I'll post more later as I get inspired.

Too Much is Not Enough

MyPoolBoy is under the impression that I have too many versions of Jessie's Girl on my mp3 player. Seven, too be exact.

1) The original version by Rick
2) an smooth acoustic version by Rick
3) an acapella version by Rockapella
4) a live acoustic version by Everclear
5) the punky-rock version by Frickin' A (this one includes the excerpt from their video that has Rick posing as a psychiatrist & playing the guitar solo)
6) a country-ish version by Jared Wagner of Lonestar
7) a fun Kinks-ish version by OK Go (the YouTube treadmill group)

Great Minds - Alike

Match yourself with Rick Springfield

I am 98% compatible with him on an intellectual level.
Only 33% on a physical level (how do THEY know that? Give me 5 minutes alone with him. That'll change.) Oh well, I'll just have to keep using MyPoolBoy's body.

This matching is based on birthdays/biorhythms.

One of my best CelebMatches on this site, though, is Jeff Gordon.
Yes, NASCAR Jeff Gordon. I'm doomed to Redneckdom.

Oh Baby!

Video Parody of Matthew McConaughey

See more Joey Kern videos at Funny or Die

Copacabana! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I can't get over how much this guy sounds like the real deal!

Acting My Age?

I took the realage.com test like they talked about on Oprah.

I am EXACTLY 6 years younger in RealAge than I actually am!

Does this mean that I can have my big-a$$ 40th birthday again in 6 years????

Texas Redneck Festival

Texas Redneck Festival - Nov. 8 - Spokes Sports bar, Burnet Texas

Ok, I'm in. Where do I sign up?