Saturday, January 26, 2008

And My Tiara Was Still On My Head

Woke up this morning with my tiara still on my head after I fell asleep/passed out last night at my big-a$$ 40th birthday bash at DrunkenFelix's house. That, my dear readers, is fate. I also made MULTIPLE drunk dials to every member of my family (except I forgot my MonsterInLaw but she said she would forgive me this year) AND Felix's dog (whose birthday is the day before mine so I called Felix's Gigolo and told him I needed to talk to the dog - he was very understanding). Felix is very happy cuz I puked. She's never been able to get me hung-over or sick before now --- see if you can follow the clues to figure out why.....

First of all, Friday was hilarious cuz of COURSE I got my classroom crepe-papered with black and over the hill signs and what-not. And - our principal made a big deal on the announcements to the point that the SpEd teacher asked me if I was mad - I told her no, it was probably paybacks for the year that I toilet papered his house on HIS birthday.

Felix took me home from school Friday night and we swung by the house to pick up the rum and vodka that MyPoolBoy got me. As we were standing in the front yard, smart boy puts the bottle of rum down his pants and tells me if I want it to go after it. The bottle slips down his pants leg and lodges itself on the top of his boot where he can't reach it... so he turns around and unzips his pants and reaches down into his pants and starts fishing around down in his pants leg for the outlaw bottle - just as a cop drives by. And so began the first of MANY laughs for the evening. We got to Felix's and immediately I changed into my black rhinestoned tank top and fuzzy stiletto heels and boa and tiara and sunglasses and cigar and leopard gloves. The chocolate martini drinking (mixed in El Presidente shakers pilfered from Chili's) commenced.

Anyhoo - it was a FABULOUS party - Felix outdid herself and the usual suspects were there, so the translation for Fabulous Party now becomes Debaucherous Drunken Spree, including BeerPong. My dear little friends will be receiving thank you cards with a link to this page because I honest to goodness am not sure who gave me what gift due to my slightly inebriated condition so I am going to post my appreciations and impressions here (I will put up photos later):

1) Candy necklace-type candy bra from DrunkenFelix. SOMEONE has a photo on their camera phone of me WEARING this sonuvabi+ch and you need to please delete it before it ends up on youtube or some shi+. And the sucker was too BIG around the strap BUT AT LEAST NOT THE CUP SIZE!!!!!!!!!!!!

2) Little bamboo plant from Felix's Mom - my beer pong partner. I was sober when I received this, so I have an actual recollection of getting THIS gift. So, thank you, Mom - I've actually kinda wanted one of these!

3) Bottle of HotSex - chocolate cream and DEATH LIQUOR - I think this was from D@mnGina - the first of many gifts that I felt obliged to drink or drink out of during the evening - a definite contribution to the aforementioned upchucking since I drank the whole bottle

4) Flamingo and shot glass from Bi+chslap's son - apparently he got this in Florida a year or so ago and has been SAVING IT FOR ME! Way to go Bi+chslap for raising Bi+chslap Jr. so well. Of course I felt obliged (again) to drink out of it so I had a shot of Cinnamon Schnapp's - cuz it was handy.

5) A few of the girls (FrenchTickler & TrailerTrash & DownUnder???) got me some stuff like a cigar and some little purse-sized baby rum bottles and chocolate espresso beans and a flamingo glass (that I obligingly drank a buttery nipple out of)

6) ok, I THINK that the Bailey's and the cute little purse came from 10-S so that is why I drank the buttery nipple - your FAULT, 10-S (tennis humor HAHAHAHAHAHHA)

7) now - who bought the Sex-O-Meter --- I needed to add a few levels with a pen like "Are you a twirler?" and "Are you a gymnast?" cuz it didn't go all the way to the top (MyPoolBoy would be so proud) AND I also added a LOWER level: "Poor *Gigolo*" cuz that is where DrunkenFelix's menopausal self made the thing go to.

8) Baloney - we realized THE NEXT MORNING that you got me the cutest little 40th birthday coloring book and a mug - thank you dear

9) Oh! Bi+chslap got me a new flamingo lawn - my first reaction: WOO HOO! Now I can get a double-wide!

10) Bi+chslap and Felix got me the same card with flamingos on the front - the same one that QueenB sent me. It had the flamingos and then said if you woke up and this was what you saw you would have to ask yourself questions like: Is this my yard, etc. Actually my first thought would be: Looks like we need to get Victor fixed.
Imagine - 3 of the same card - a WhiteTrash Hallmark Trifecta.

11) Ummmmm, there was a 40th birthday shot glass that I drank something out of.... anyone know what was in it? I brought the dayum thing home and washed it out but h3ll if I now what was in it. Good Lord.

I love you girls! I will never forget this - definitely my best party ever.

My best gift, though?????

MyPoolBoy got me tickets to RICK SPRINGFIELD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (not enough napkins in the world to wipe up all the drool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) That is why I love him more than all of you. He knows that I will have carnal relations with Rick after the concert... I will just use HIS body.

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