Wednesday, May 13, 2009

You Can Tell I'm Sick Because Someone Got New Socks

I found the tell-tale wrapper in the floor of the kitchen. A sure sign that they ran out of clean laundry because I've been bed-ridden for 4 days with strep.

In that time I have logged some interesting numbers:

103.8 - highest my temperature climbed
32 - ounces of lime-flavored Gatorade Rain that I have consumed
3 - number of cats that have napped on the bed with me
21 - total number of kleenexes I had to spit into because it hurts to swallow my own saliva (my tonsils or some glands or another are so swollen they are protruding out of my neck!)
4 - pounds I have lost due to the aforementioned inability to swallow
7 - average number of models per day that Booger Cat and I have watched get eliminated from the America's Next Top Model Marathon
Umpteen - the number of feminine hygiene product commercials that are on daytime television - I'm talking tampons, yeast infection treatments, yeast infection tests, birth control pills, birth control rings, pregnancy tests, ovulation tests, and amped up KY jelly designed to turn women from unwilling participants in their marital relations into "a screamer." Believe me, after having a 5-foot Q-tip shoved up my nose so the doctors could go spelunking in the name of medicine to rule out swine flu, I don't really want to think of any of my other orifices having anything else anywhere near them.
825 - amount of mg of amoxicillin in ONE of the two gigantic pink pills I have to swallow twice daily

That's my THUMBNAIL it's next to. And here's what's unbelievable - I LOST one of them when I opened the bottle to take this shot. Yeah. I know. It's like losing a sequoia tree, but somehow I managed to do it.

I knew this was gonna happen. Stress causes me to get sick and the other day (after a particularly frustrating day of bureaucratic retardation at school) my cheese completely slid off my cracker and I threw my purse down the aisle at Walmart.

So it is possible that I may have angered the Walmart gods.

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