Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Hisssssss-teria at the Beach House

That circled speckled brown spot next to the Solo cup is a snake. A RATTLE snake. A 2-1/2 foot long rattlesnake that was sunning himself beside the house where we were staying at the beach. Next to the only stairs that could take us down to the lower level where our beer coolers were stored. So pretty much this a$$hole snake held all our beer hostage while we were stranded on the second story deck for about an hour. So we were stranded on the second story deck for about an hour by an a$$hole 2-1/2 foot long rattlesnake that was holding our beer hostage. Do you understand this? WE HAD NO WAY TO GET TO OUR BEER!!!!!!!!!!! And really, snakes don't have thumbs to get a cold one out of the cooler and toss up to us either, if they were ever so inclined to do so. But he somehow didn't seem like a friendly neighborhood bartender variety of rattlesnake anyway.

So. After we called the property management people and waited about 30 minutes - WITHOUT BEER - I ventured out onto the deck stairs in the very fashionable wardrobe choice of a stars and stripes bikini with the hastily added safety feature of lizard-toed Nocona cowboy boots to snap this picture. And then and there realized I was on the stairs in a bikini and cowboy boots so my cheese had pretty much slid right off my Ritz, and this realization prompted me to decide that it was time to call 911.

So. Barney Fife showed up and got the bright idea to MACE the snake.

Now, if you were a snake and you got maced while you were trying to hold a bunch of middle-aged women's beer hostage, what would you do?

Get pissed and come after Barney right?


But, in his defense, Barney did get him to crawl out onto the lawn where he could mace him some more and spray him with the water hose. Which made the snake more pissed. Then, 30 minutes later, he hit upon the bright idea to get a shovel and actually KILL THE A$$HOLE BEER-HOSTAGE-TAKING SNAKE!

Finally! Crisis over. Beer saved.

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