You Think YOUR Life is Crappy?

This is a big ol' box of effed up

Fox News: Woman in Bathroom for TWO YEARS

The officer's name is WHIPPLE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Banned Camp is all a-buzz:
"Where did the boyfriend go potty?"
"What did he say when people asked how his girlfriend was?"
"Did she have anything to read in there?"
"That took commitment"
and the best one -
"A tightrope walker is crossing between two high rise buildings in New York and five hundred miles away a guy is getting a blowjob from a woman stuck on a toilet seat for two year, BUT they're thinking the EXACT SAME THING........... don't look down."

Ok - so I thought this out too much cuz I want to know why she stayed there ALL the time - did he never go anywhere either?

Did this start as a race to the can and he was NOT going to get to use his own toilet as long as she could help it? Was it a battle of wills? (certainly not one of wits)

I can only surmise that he had to have NO job and she couldn't get up without him getting back in there.

Otherwise, I would get up as soon as he left for work and then run back in there when I heard the truck pull up in the drive...

She did this ALL wrong...

I Drink. You Can't Judge Me.

Chunk was in the shower one evening and I kept hearing all this banging around in there - knocking into the shower walls / slipping sounds.

I fearfully asked him what all the noise was and he admitted to me that he had Weasel (our little chihuahua-sized dog) in there with him. He kept banging around cuz she kept trying to get out and he was slipping trying to keep her in there.

Chunk thought she needed a bath and he just put her in there with him to kill two birds with one stone.

Of course, this is the same child that I asked how often he used shampoo in his hair and he replied "every time I shower" and I (with trepidation) asked how often THAT was and he said "at least once a ... week"

Another Reason Why I Love Felix

Girl is out with flu/pneumonia/crud. I called and left a voicemail in my best Cool Runnings voice: "Felix, are you dead, mon?"

She called and left me a congested shaky voicemail in return that said: "Hey, it's me, I'm in Vegas and winning lots of money with my new best friend *DrunkerThanMe* so... SORRY - Guess I'll see you when I get back."

I swear even on our Craftmatic Adjustable Beds we'll still harass each other.

This Counts, Doesn't It?

I think that a restraining order from Rick Springfield would be just as good as a fan club membership certificate.

Day Late, Dollar Short

Well, looks like someone else beat me to another one of my million-dollar ideas...

Ultimate White Trash Tattoo

I think that a tattoo of a thong across my backside would be a real time-saver, don't y'all?

Felix says I can have no more alcohol. Ever.

The Ultimate White Trash Hairstyle

Wouldn't this be great.... a mullet AND a rat tail

Thunderduck called it a Mull Rat

Diet Coke Break

Forgot a little news from the meeting today -
We were informed that the "real" construction on the new school building could begin as early as next week...

That means the middle-aged, plumber-pants-wearing, beer-gut men driving forklifts and bobcats will be gone - and replaced by REAL construction workers - about 25 years of age with hammers and no shirts.

This Girl Can't Help It

They should just ban me from faculty meetings. The problem is, I am a smart-mouth. Especially when I am bored. And let's face it, faculty meetings are boring.

So.
Principal announces to the paras that on our 1/2 day inservice next week, one of the school board members will be SOMEWHERE in the district presenting a workshop to help them if they are interested in obtaining a degree/certification. They are not sure WHERE she will be as of yet, but just let them know if you are seeking a degree.
And WTP says: You will be given a map, a compass, and a sack lunch. If you can find where she is (like Waldo), then you get the degree!

Also - we had to watch the training video for the new AED device (defibrillator). Please understand that if anything bores the WTP more than a faculty meeting, it is a training video at a faculty meeting.
We were assured that we would probably not have to worry about ever having to use it ourselves because there were lots of CPR trained staff on campus who would be able to do it - D@mn! I wanted it to use like a cattle prod on some of my less cooperative students.

Then they offer us the opportunity to go through CPR training AFTER school on XYZ days - uh, no.
The only dummy I'll be putting my lips on during my off-hours would be MyPoolBoy. And sometimes DrunkenFelix.

Also - this big announcement: We will add this AED video to our yearly beginning-of-the-year training video watching. Woo Hoo! A triple feature! Blood-borne Pathogens in the Workplace/ Diabetes and You / AED Device

I think I'll need popcorn AND Milkduds.

Oh THIS Sucks!

Listen to the announcers before she gives her answer. Oops!
All the players are laughing at him.... and then he gets escorted off the court by some giant-a$$ mouse/bear creature.
Watch to the end and you'll see that at least someone bought the poor sumbi+ch a big ole beer!

FreeCycle Laughs

2 posts on FreeCycle boards today cracked my a$$ totally up

1) Wanted: Wedding Dress - upon further reading, we learn that the posting person is getting married in July and needs size 22-24 dress with sleeves.

Not only is she ok with a used wedding dress, she needs a BIG used wedding dress!

2) Wanted: Single Man Camper, Old is OK

I don't even need to add comments on this one. Funny how a simple hyphen would have made all the difference in that post!

Sad News

There was a car wreck out on the highway yesterday and 3 teens were killed, including a former student of mine. My student's Mom was driving - they say the weather caused it, I'm just sick. I also taught her younger son with my "loop" class 3rd/4th grade.

Younger brother was with dad. Baby brother is in a different hospital from mom.

I always knew that this day would come sooner or later - I just always hoped it would be MUCH later

I wish I didn't love all my kids so much...

Prayers would be appreciated.

White Trash Guitar

Feathers for Felix

Felix keeps telling everyone that she's finding feathers from my boa all over her house since the big 4-0 debauchery. My new layout is in her honor - cuz she is sick with the flu or something today.

Baby You Can Drive My Car

After a few glasses of wine & beer at the PlaceWhereIAmNotAllowedToYellTheFWordAnymore, DrunkenFelix and I began to plot a 25th anniversary celebration for MyPoolBoy and me.

1) We will have to go to Vegas. Felix and I and MyPoolBoy if there is enough money.

2) We will coordinate the timing with a Rick Springfield concert. MyPoolBoy will get Rick to propose to me onstage. This is a diversion from MyPoolBoy proposing to me, cuz Felix decided I would much rather marry Rick if I had a 2nd chance at marriage.

3) The wedding will be performed by an Elvis impersonator at one of those cheesy Vegas/ Graceland chapels.

4)I will lose my virginity to Rick Springfield. At this point MyPoolBoy is no longer involved in his own anniversary at all. What adds to the miraculousness of this part of the plot is the fact that my uterus is practically a clown car after 4 kids, so I don't know how we're going to handle the whole revirgination deal.

Here is where the list was interrupted by someone DrunkerThanMe. DrunkerThanMe decided that we were really fun people - she had been eavesdropping for a while. She began drunkenly singing Jessie's Girl and hugging all over us, her new best friends. We got up to go about the same time that she did, and we noticed that she was in no condition to walk, much less drive. Felix managed to get her keys and MyPoolBoy and I got her out the door to find her car. We were going to have me drive her home in her car and Felix was going to ride in the back and MyPoolBoy was going to follow in the truck, but it was a stick shift so Felix and I switched places - besides Felix said I would be better at being the talk-y bi+ch in the back seat and she could do the driving.

Got DrunkerThanMe home and I asked her to show me the restroom to stall her out of the room while Felix hid her keys behind a picture frame on the counter. DrunkerThanMe went to go get something out of the kitchen and Felix and I high-tailed it out of there.

H3ll I hope that girl didn't have to go anywhere anytime soon. At least she made it home alive.

Cereal Killer

Thanks to my email complaint to the cafeteria director, they will no longer be serving cereal as a lunch entree option to the kids at school.

I am the cereal killer.

Valentine's Drama

First announcement came at about 8:45 - Do not allow students to distribute suckers on puppy/kitty valentines from Dollar General as they have been recalled.

Next announcement was at 9:30ish - Please take up any SpongeBob valentines from HEB as they have been recalled also.

Another announcement at 10ish - Do not pass out Looney Tunes candy necklace or candy bracelet Valentines as these are also on the recall list.

Finally - take up all candy attached to Valentines. A letter will go home to parents who want to come pick up the candy later to take home.

My guess is that the little bite sized Snickers will mysteriously disappear.

Also - after school, one of the girls in another class is standing outside with her Valentine's box. It has been covered in mint-green paper and scrawled across the end of the box with purple marker "Love Hurts"

I guess it does when you are 8 years old and the school personnel takes up all your Valentine's candy!

Oh Macy Gray.....

I swear that's what this ole boy says! Did they break up? Did she try to say goodbye and HE choked?

Seriously, one of the most fitful laughing attacks I've had in a while... You MUST watch to the end because he tries to spice it up a little - the folks who sing along are a true testimony to MERCY - all the amens are because someone FINALLY came and took his mike away.



Poor dude sounds like a cat being dragged backwards by its tail through a pool of jalapeno juice with its eyes wide open.

Celebrity Look-Alikes

Ok, so here is who I supposedly resemble (74% Raquel Welch! WTF!)


But here's the best part:
MyPoolBoy looks like Albert Einstein, Al Pacino, and Snoop Dogg!!!!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Well.... yum

oops... now there's drool on the keyboard

I'm having impure thoughts....