Public Service for Felix

Now that Felix has high-speed internet instead of dial-up (this IS Mullet County, y'all), I don't want my best friend to have to suffer through all the non-Granny Tarnnia videos on YouTube just to find the best ones - and I don't want to have to keep going and forwarding them all to her (I have reality tv shows that take up most of my time).

So, here are some of them:

Meet Granny - in which we are introduced to Granny for the first time - "Danged grandkids"

Without a Blanket - not really funny, but you need to see this to understand the next one

Without a Blanket 2 - "Let me tell you something, little sweet pea...I will whoop your a$$ where you won't be able to speak - or fart"

Granny Drinks a Lot - "I'm stepping in the dayum cat litter"

My Latest Painting - "This is trash"

Granny's Very 1st Video - "I won't cuss you out no mo'"

Granny & Nigel Part One - Nigel SOOOOO reminds me of Scooter!

Granny & Nigel Part Two - "That mutha -f*($ing dog"

Granny Grabs the Camera - "I took all her furniture and I done sold that $hit on Ebay"

Back Home from Retard Camp

Granny Packin for Florida - another one that is a prequel to the funny stuff

Granny Checks In

Unpacking - "awwwww h3llllllll no"

Granny Meets Gladis - here we are, Felix!!!!!! "I'm gonna go take her cookie"

Old People Talk - "I'm sittin' on my ti++iy"

Too Many Cookies

Cookies Exiting the System

Cookie Interrogation - "I only had glaze on the bottom"

Sittin' with Gladis - "I hear you talkin' about me - I got my hearing aid"

A Letter from Tarnnia - "Does this smell good?"

Gladis Got a Knife - "Oh, Snap Johnson!"

Amazing Grace - "Satan's in your throat!"

Granny & Gladis Bickering - "Take these balloons..." & "I'm TIRED of you..."

Drunk Old Ladies

Gladis Got the Gossip - "I think she was f*($ing Pedro"

She's Back

Tarnnia Gone Fishin - "You is one stupid kid"

Breaking Out of Bondage - "This is straight-up Jurassic Park"

Halloween Drama - "If you don't get me some candy..."

Merry Christmas - "My eyes have seen the glory"

Granny's Pass Me Down - "You're like that nature child that needs to be shot"

He Humps - Nigel has a Jake the Air Humping Perv Dog moment

Granny Visits My New Home

Nose Piercing - "What kind of slu+s you been hanging around?"

Ok, I Got Drunk! - "It's too late for this nonsense"

I'm Not a Promiscuous Girl - "I'm having a party" / "In your dayum bathtub?"

Hungover - "Oh, Jesus, you is not alive still?"

Me Playing the Guitar - listen to the the lyrics of the song... cuz Granny kills it on the next video

Granny Playing the Guitar - "I learned that in jail"

Yoga is Demonic - "Do you have unworthy idols?"

Ridin Dirty -

Granny Gon' Wild - this is Felix on her Harley in about 40 years

Locked Out - "Nigel, Nigel, Nigel..."

Augusta Wants to Be My Friend

Got this message in my email for my MySpace account. I clicked on the profile. Augusta lives in New York, has overly-botoxed lips (or unfortunate genetic circumstances), and only 7 friends, including Tom. One of Augusta's friends appears to be naked in her profile photo.

DENY

Caught!

Tuesday morning I arrived at school a little early and was greeted with the unmistakable pungent aroma of eau de skunk. A little later (after the sun came up) someone spotted the critter as it ran under the building right by the entrance to the cafeteria. So, someone called Animal Control and they came and put out a live trap with some canned cat food by the building. We waited.

Yesterday morning I got there fairly early and saw that we had a raccoon in the live trap. I looked at the poor guy, and offered up an apology from the whole human race to him for his false imprisonment. He was let go, and the trap was set again.

This morning, I walked by the trap and saw that we had our suspect. A bit later Barney Fife from Animal Control gets there and I see him, our principal, and an assortment of our maintenance department's finest out in the area near the trap. Barney Fife decided he needed to throw a quilt over the cage and then attach a rope or chain or something to it and DRAG the cage so he wouldn't get sprayed.

Well, he didn't get sprayed, but I choked back laughter as I looked upon the scene -Barney Fife dragging a blanket-covered cage across the lawn, maintenances guys standing around watching (not much of a stretch from the norm), and our principal carrying one of those poles with the loop at the end like he was Jim from Wild Kingdom.

The skunk, however, did not think it was as funny as I did and he apparently released some sort of SuperSoaker projectile skunk scent as he was dragged, confined, across the ground. The smell hit an a/c unit and was subsequently sucked up into the ductwork and wafted through the vents of every room and hallway of the entire building, including the cafeteria.

If Bubba had been there I guess we could've have gotten a paintball gun and determined if the skunk was pregnant or not.

Immature Humor

I cracked up at least a FEW of the kids in my class today... One of the girls was reading a book about a school talent show and how one of the characters was planning to dance to a Britney Spears song - I said, "What? The dance where you shave your head and get carted off in an ambulance?" About 5 of them cracked up totally. I had blank stares from the rest of them. At least I know who watches the news at home now.

Where I Was Saturday Night

Pictures are worth a thousand words, right? MyPoolBoy convinced the bouncer that he is really JESSE and they let him up right next to the stage to take pictures. There's nothing that love and Patron won't make a man do for his woman!

They wouldn't let me up there though. Guess I looked like a threat to Rick's security or something.

Anyway, I guess after paper, cotton, china, whatever, that the 21st anniversary is supposed to be a smokin' hot piece of a$$.

Bling!

Crown & Coke doesn't mix with Superglue and rhinestones.

Don't leave these items unattended around a white trash woman. MyPoolBoy discovered me happily blinging my mp3 player and my purse handle.

Having a Really Good Hair Day

Wasted on 3rd graders.....

A.W.

Or just a W.????? Pepita posted a photo of herself on MySpace laying/posing in bed covered in just a sheet from the chest down.

No, I'm not telling you how to get to it to view it. Pervs.

Games People Play

Don't Drop the Soap

I laughed just reading about this - and then I looked at the picture - the movers are a glock, a bag of coke, and "Anferny"

I HAVE to have this!!!!!!!!!

You Can't Make This Up

Ok, so we waited and waited all this time for our little burg to finally get big enough to warrant a Long John Silver's. It has been open for a whopping couple of months and it has already been infiltrated by the rednecks.

Here is the conversation I overheard - it was like a trainwreck - you can't keep from paying attention to it.

Cell phone call after order was placed: Something APPARENTLY is under the house and Bubba is going to find out what it is - he will call back later with a report.

Report to table: Bubba heard something under the house.

Cell phone call while getting Malt Vinegar sauce and cokes: Bubba got the tin flashing off the bottom of the TRAILER house and is going underneath armed with a paintball gun to aid in his investigation.

Report to and response from table: We just put that siding up - he just tore up perfectly good underpenning!

Cell phone call right after food order was up: Bubba has shot a pregnant skunk under the trailer with a paintball gun, what do we do now?????

Ok, honest to goodness, I quit listening after this cuz I was afraid I would PEE MYSELF and get caught eavesdropping!!!!!!!!!!!!

And My Tiara Was Still On My Head

Woke up this morning with my tiara still on my head after I fell asleep/passed out last night at my big-a$$ 40th birthday bash at DrunkenFelix's house. That, my dear readers, is fate. I also made MULTIPLE drunk dials to every member of my family (except I forgot my MonsterInLaw but she said she would forgive me this year) AND Felix's dog (whose birthday is the day before mine so I called Felix's Gigolo and told him I needed to talk to the dog - he was very understanding). Felix is very happy cuz I puked. She's never been able to get me hung-over or sick before now --- see if you can follow the clues to figure out why.....

First of all, Friday was hilarious cuz of COURSE I got my classroom crepe-papered with black and over the hill signs and what-not. And - our principal made a big deal on the announcements to the point that the SpEd teacher asked me if I was mad - I told her no, it was probably paybacks for the year that I toilet papered his house on HIS birthday.

Felix took me home from school Friday night and we swung by the house to pick up the rum and vodka that MyPoolBoy got me. As we were standing in the front yard, smart boy puts the bottle of rum down his pants and tells me if I want it to go after it. The bottle slips down his pants leg and lodges itself on the top of his boot where he can't reach it... so he turns around and unzips his pants and reaches down into his pants and starts fishing around down in his pants leg for the outlaw bottle - just as a cop drives by. And so began the first of MANY laughs for the evening. We got to Felix's and immediately I changed into my black rhinestoned tank top and fuzzy stiletto heels and boa and tiara and sunglasses and cigar and leopard gloves. The chocolate martini drinking (mixed in El Presidente shakers pilfered from Chili's) commenced.

Anyhoo - it was a FABULOUS party - Felix outdid herself and the usual suspects were there, so the translation for Fabulous Party now becomes Debaucherous Drunken Spree, including BeerPong. My dear little friends will be receiving thank you cards with a link to this page because I honest to goodness am not sure who gave me what gift due to my slightly inebriated condition so I am going to post my appreciations and impressions here (I will put up photos later):

1) Candy necklace-type candy bra from DrunkenFelix. SOMEONE has a photo on their camera phone of me WEARING this sonuvabi+ch and you need to please delete it before it ends up on youtube or some shi+. And the sucker was too BIG around the strap BUT AT LEAST NOT THE CUP SIZE!!!!!!!!!!!!

2) Little bamboo plant from Felix's Mom - my beer pong partner. I was sober when I received this, so I have an actual recollection of getting THIS gift. So, thank you, Mom - I've actually kinda wanted one of these!

3) Bottle of HotSex - chocolate cream and DEATH LIQUOR - I think this was from D@mnGina - the first of many gifts that I felt obliged to drink or drink out of during the evening - a definite contribution to the aforementioned upchucking since I drank the whole bottle

4) Flamingo and shot glass from Bi+chslap's son - apparently he got this in Florida a year or so ago and has been SAVING IT FOR ME! Way to go Bi+chslap for raising Bi+chslap Jr. so well. Of course I felt obliged (again) to drink out of it so I had a shot of Cinnamon Schnapp's - cuz it was handy.

5) A few of the girls (FrenchTickler & TrailerTrash & DownUnder???) got me some stuff like a cigar and some little purse-sized baby rum bottles and chocolate espresso beans and a flamingo glass (that I obligingly drank a buttery nipple out of)

6) ok, I THINK that the Bailey's and the cute little purse came from 10-S so that is why I drank the buttery nipple - your FAULT, 10-S (tennis humor HAHAHAHAHAHHA)

7) now - who bought the Sex-O-Meter --- I needed to add a few levels with a pen like "Are you a twirler?" and "Are you a gymnast?" cuz it didn't go all the way to the top (MyPoolBoy would be so proud) AND I also added a LOWER level: "Poor *Gigolo*" cuz that is where DrunkenFelix's menopausal self made the thing go to.

8) Baloney - we realized THE NEXT MORNING that you got me the cutest little 40th birthday coloring book and a mug - thank you dear

9) Oh! Bi+chslap got me a new flamingo lawn - my first reaction: WOO HOO! Now I can get a double-wide!

10) Bi+chslap and Felix got me the same card with flamingos on the front - the same one that QueenB sent me. It had the flamingos and then said if you woke up and this was what you saw you would have to ask yourself questions like: Is this my yard, etc. Actually my first thought would be: Looks like we need to get Victor fixed.
Imagine - 3 of the same card - a WhiteTrash Hallmark Trifecta.

11) Ummmmm, there was a 40th birthday shot glass that I drank something out of.... anyone know what was in it? I brought the dayum thing home and washed it out but h3ll if I now what was in it. Good Lord.

I love you girls! I will never forget this - definitely my best party ever.

My best gift, though?????

MyPoolBoy got me tickets to RICK SPRINGFIELD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (not enough napkins in the world to wipe up all the drool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) That is why I love him more than all of you. He knows that I will have carnal relations with Rick after the concert... I will just use HIS body.

Great.

My dog is attempting to hump the cat.

They're both females.

And I made fun of Felix's dogs....

Hairy Situation

Ok, if you are ooged out by semi-intimate stuff then stop reading now. However, if you are one of my 3-d friends or one of my sons or one of the warped college students that my sons tell me read this blog, then you'll probably be fine cuz you are used to me by now.

Here's what happened:
I made a potty run at school today and after doing my requisite thigh-building squat-over-the seat maneuver, I turned to flush and noticed a suspicious-looking hair on the seat. Not knowing if it was mine or not - you know, those kinds of hairs DO all look the same - I decided it would be rude of me to leave it there for the next person to find. I figured if I left and someone was outside the door waiting to be the next one in, they would ASSUME it was mine and think I was really gross and inconsiderate. So. I postponed flushing for a bit and bent down a little and blew on it to try to dislodge it from its porcelain perch. It didn't work. I tried again, blowing a little harder, and got one puff out before I realized the idiocy of the situation. So I discarded the blowing technique and opted for a more hands-on approach. NO, I DID NOT TOUCH IT. GAWD! But I collected my thoughts and procured a bit of toilet paper and dangled it precariously next to the hair. Then I attempted to gently sweep the hair into the water below with a dangling square of toilet paper. No go. Once more I swept across the seat and tried to get the hair to budge. It was like it was super-glued onto the dayum seat! Finally, the thought hit me that I needed to just get on with things and flush and get out of there before whoever MIGHT be outside the door started thinking that I was doing more than just peeing.
So, finally I just scrunched up some more t.p., pushed the sumbi+ch stubborn hair off into its watery doom and slapped down on the handle and finally got the flush over with.

Then I washed my hands really good with the anti-bacterial soap, stifled my laughter at the ridiculousness of the situation, regained my composure, and resolved to be sure to blog as soon as I got home today.

So there you are. Come on, now. Shut up. What would you have done??????

Crazy, Man!

Paula, RUN and get a restraining order!
"If I was Columbo I would Peter Falk - her" BWAHAHAHAAHA!
Straight up BatShi+ crazy.

She Bop

Ok, so on Oprah today this MentalPause doctor instructed the studio audience learn to "self-cultivate" their smiles for their "lower heart"

I keep hearing Cyndi Lauper over and over in my head!

Better Off Dead?

$4025 BUCKS!!!!!!!!! Just have to donate my body to science!

$4025.00

However, as a blind, alcoholic, albino, parapalegic bald obese dwarf on lithium with no appendix and elephantitis I am worth $7170.

Edited to add: Felix said I should try to get my $4000 NOW - ya know, like a credit card advance....

Some Advice

Before you go pointing fingers, make sure that you have washed your hands with an antibacterial soap and rinsed thoroughly.

Why I Teach 3rd Grade

I figured out this morning - I don't want to deal with preschool who whine and cry and don't share.

I refuse to teach middle school because it is just preschool with hormones.

High school is middle schoolers with drivers' licenses.

I'm a Card

Last night we were at a friend's house (playing the infamous point of contention poker game), and I was drinking banana-rama-shi+ (Monkey Formula). At one point I plopped my glass down and someone at the table yelled over at MyPoolBoy that I was splattering my drink on the tabletops. He hollered back "Hey, these things aren't Scotchguarded, you know!"

To which I very wittily replied: "That's OK, I'm not drinking Scotch!"

Later in the evening I sent Bi+chslap's hubby into an uproarious fit of red-in-the-face laughter when I dealt the beginnings of a royal flush - laid the suckers right on out there and announced: "Someone at this table owes me a blowjob!"

Zack-ula

I L-U-V Jerry Springer! He's got a Freakshow on there today - Name: Zack Affliction: Vampire

Now mind you, Zack wasn't BORN a vampire - oh, no - he had a "very very sexual relationship with a "beautiful woman" who was a vampire about 4 years ago (translation - homeboy found a chick to have sex with that he didn't have to pay for). So, Jerry is talking to Zackula (who is laying in a coffin) and he gets Zack to come sit on a chair like a mere mortal human would do.

Zack proceeds to elaborate on his vampirishness, including the fact that he cannot go out in the sun: Quick Jerry, open the skylight! I wanna see this sumbi+ch melt like the witch on the Wizard of Oz!

Then he offers Jerry some of his own blood to drink if Jerry would like to try it for himself: He would not - ummm I wouldn't want his O negative HIV positive Grande latte, either!

Jerry probes Zack to elaborate on how he met his wife. Zack says he was at the cemetery one night - Jerry interrupts, "What were you doing at the cemetery at night?" - and I am thinking "I needed a snack and the Piggly Wiggly was closed, Jerry"

In an attempt to press for further information about Zack's personal life, Jerry asks if he normally met women in cemeteries -- well, Mrs. Zackula was there "ghost-hunting" -- but ya know, I imagine Freakshow figured most of the women IN the cemetery wouldn't put up a fight. GROSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!