trapped

I have decided that part of my depression spiral is due to the trapped feeling/situation that I am in because of circumstances in my life. Financially, we are tight right now waiting to get MyPoolBoy through college and we are basically relying on my salary only and what he can bring in subbing (which we will not have this summer). And we have no insurance on him right now either, so that is a bit of a constant back-of-my-mind worry. MyPoolBoy doesn't have the inspection or tags on the car updated so I drive in fear of a ticket all the time. MyPoolBoy wants to finish school in a year, but that means that he has to find a grant or scholarship for the fall and spring and also that we will have to pay for this summer out of our pockets (with him not working !) Then Thunderduck called last night and his financial aid is only giving him $650 for the fall semester and the rest is going to be a loan - he seemed a little perturbed but I got a little miffed and told him that I had been trying for 7 years to get him and his brothers to keep their grades up and apply for scholarships - instead I filed the FAFSA and basic grant paperwork and they applied for nothing. SO they are getting pretty much nothing. I am sweating how to get MyPoolBoy through and now I have to worry about Thunderduck and TrainWreck also. If I was not married to a liar and we were not WHITE F-ING TRASH then we would not have our house mortgaged to what amounts to a loan shark company for WAY more than it was worth because of his bad choices a few years ago and instead it would almost be paid off and we would have some equity in it that we could get for college. Instead, I don't even have the option of selling it and getting a smaller place to make money for them because it is in such a state of disaster and disrepair because MyPoolBoy starts all these f-ing projects and never finishes them so we can't even sell this piece of crap - I AM TRAPPED.

And I sat and spent my Mother's Day:
A) cooking dinner for everyone cuz no one else even cooked lunch
B) filling out graduation invitations because TrainWreck has done nothing and all the family is wanting to know where they are!
C) crying because I feel so helpless at the fact that there is nothing financially I can do about anything
D) putting up with everyone else's bad moods and arguing and hatefulness toward each other
E) wearing my pajamas all day

I need out of here SO BAD and we can't afford for me to go anywhere or do anything for myself.
At least my weight is down but I'm still fat.

I AM TRAPPED