Someone Take Up a Collection for Bail... Just In Case

MIL is still in ICU. They have not done surgery yet. NO ONE IS THERE WITH HER!!!!!

I cannot believe MyPoolBoy is letting her lay in that hospital to go through heart surgery with no family around. I got most of the housework and stuff done last night, so I could be ready to pack and go in less than an hour. I would still have to call and cancel a party we were invited to and go pick up some stuff for lesson plans but he just needs to decide to go.

I swear if I ever fall over with a heart attack and he goes and plays golf I will use my last dying breath to beat the crap out of him with his own 9-iron! I can't believe he is doing this to his mother!!!!!!!!!!!

Soooo now he tells me that we spent too much on Christmas and we don't have the gas money to get down there and back and he would be losing money if he doesn't run this poker tournament on New Years.... blah blah blah (I'm thinking it is only the 28th - new year's is 3 days away and they said she'd be out of the hospital by then)

Shoulda thought of that before he spent $ playing mutha eff-ing GOLF yesterday!
Hell, I think we could hock his golf clubs and get gas money -- what the hell is wrong with him????

Money is not REALLY the issue (he is still planning on going to play POKER TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!)

I have stuff set aside in the laundry room (not packed, mind you, but ready to be packed).

I just really don't want to have to maim or kill him during the holidays. Bail bondsmen are probably too short-staffed right now to handle me.

If Anything Bad Ever Happens to Me I Will Probably Just Be Left For Dead and WIll Get Eaten By My Cat

MyPoolBoy called his mother (who lives about 7 hours away) over the holidays and found out she had been sick. He called my brother in law's fiancee who lives near her and had her go check on her. She was worse, so she took MIL to the hospital. They checked her in and found she had had a heart attack and put her in ICU. Did an angiogram and are possibly going to do surgery tomorrow. So she could use a few prayers.

SO... I got up this a.m. and started cleaning up holiday stuff and getting some laundry done in what I thought was going to be prep for a long trip across the state to go be with her.

MyPoolBoy went and PLAYED GOLF today. I got some stuff done, but I really don't know what else I need to do. He told me he doesn't know if he wants to go or not cuz he has a poker tournament that he needs to run (his side business) on New Years. That is 4 days away! I do not understand how he does not want to at least go and stay until THEN. (Denial? My father in law died about 2 years ago on MyPoolBoy's birthday) It's not that he doesn't care - he is pretty close to his mom.

My quandary is this: I (somewhat selfishly) do not want to be scrambling at the last minute if he decides to go, or if heaven forbid, she gets worse and we HAVE to go. And he is p.o.'d at me cuz I won't just sit down and relax and "enjoy my holiday".

He is kinda bad about doing things like this... he went bowling when he found out I was going to be induced to have our first baby and the baby didn't come right away, he missed being with his dad when he died by mere minutes because he decided he wanted to go through the drive through at a particular fast food place and get a specific brand of burger instead of waiting to eat later across the street from the hospital. I truly do not know if this kind of crap is because he is trying to avoid stressful situations or if he is really THAT clueless and/or selfish.

All I wanted was some freakin' BBQ

Dear Dumb Bi+ch,

Let me give you some call-in order etiquette lessons - When you phone in your order you need to order EVERYTHING and then wait off to the side of the line while they retrieve your order when you arrive to pick it up. You should pay promptly and get the h3ll out. You DO NOT go in, get in line, forget your cell phone, get the kid in front of you to hold your place in line while you go get your cell phone from the car, get back in line, tell them you are there to pick up your phone in order for B******W*** and that it is 5 half-chickens & a pint of macaroni salad, but then pull out your list of more crap that you decided you wanted to order and tell them that you want the extra 1 1/2 pounds of brisket to be cut extra lean and can you get another pint of macaroni salad (the last one - leaving none for the rest of us) and 6 ears of corn, not to mention that you get on your cell phone while they are scrambling to update your huge-@ss order and whatever moron you have on the other end of the line wants 3 brownies and potato salad so you tack that on for the already frazzled counter staff to try to get for you, too. I am standing right behind you -- the "dirty knife" bucket is mere steps away and they don't serve beer at this establishment anymore so that I can sedate my PMSing self into an alcohol-induced level of pseudo-patience to keep from going to jail over you.

I now know your name -- everyone in the place does because we heard you remind them 1000 times while we waited over 20 minutes for you to get all your order finished -- and if I see you on the street I will probably accidentally run you over 4 or 5 times.

No matter how you look at it, smart is not pretty!

Ok, so after a bit of an argument with MyPoolBoy (he sat by Felix last night at RBar instead of me - I pointed it out, he got defensive), I've come to realize a few painful realities about myself.

I use housework and cooking as a means to make up for any shortcomings I feel I have as a woman (i.e. - if I'm not pretty enough) - so that is probably why I go into overload-rampage-nesting mode whenever I am feeling sorry for myself.

I usually end up feeling sorry for myself after I've tried too hard to be "strong" after some sort of downfall (ok, my uncle's funeral was Monday, and I had to deal with TAKS on Tuesday, so it's been a rough week) -- and I think I do this because I have a habit of hiding my feelings (weakness) until I finally just implode. Then the whole "I'm not good enough monster" rears its ugly head.

I've always been "the smart one" and no matter how "attractive" people try to make you think that beauty on the inside is, the reality is pretty and smart are not the same thing.

Officially down to my goal this a.m. - I now know that I am not #1

I was a little below it last night, but I haven't really eaten, so I logged it as a little more -- that way I can have PMS week and still probably get down to the goal by 9/23!

I actually went to the dr. yesterday for my neck. Couldn't turn it to the right at all yesterday. Got some muscle relaxers and at least got some sleep last night. MyPoolBoy was p.o.'d cuz at 7 pm he had gotten home from picking up my Rx and the boys hadn't finished getting the kitchen ready to make dinner and he blew up and left and went to McD's. After I ate and took my pill and got settled on the heating pad he asked me if I was going to sleep. I told him I was going to try... so he left for R Bar to go play poker -- he wasn't mad at 7 about the kitchen AT ALL except that he wanted to go to the poker game at 7 and play both rounds.

I now know that I rate pretty low on my husband's list -- it would be nice to have had him stay and make sure I was ok.

Well, it is Thunderduck's 19th bday -- the team has a game in Canyon and then in NM and he didn't make the traveling team again this week. He really needs to get rid of VickieValencourt so that he can get his head back in the game --

Ok, going to wake boys and make lunches and breakfast -- I made the mistake of asking MyPoolBoy to help me yesterday and all he wanted to do was give me $ to buy my lunch (I REALLY want to stick to my diet and he is too lazy to get up 20 minutes early to help me when my neck is hurt).

A commentator & a nag/rag about impatience

Someone actually read my blog... I practically never click on "Moderate Comments" but I decided to check (cuz I usually have spam stuff in there) and someone had left a comment back in the middle of May. So now I have a kind of odd feeling that I may come across as a real "B" or nag, but I have talked myself into remembering that this is my outlet for all the stuff that I can't say out loud -- hence the title of my blog.

Ok, so on to my gripe for the day -- I twisted my ankle Tuesday at the track while helping the kids move the high jump pit mats. I was carrying the back and couldn't see where I was going, and I stepped off the track and my foot went totally under me and my ankle twisted. It is swollen as all get-out. Anyhoo -- You would think that I would get to rest and stay off of it right? Oh H3LL NO. Tuesday night, MyPoolBoy is about to have a caboodle of kittens cuz he wants to go play in the poker tournament at our hangout....ok, I agreed, I can ice my ankle and prop it up and be fine -- but without asking me he invited Felix over to have brisket that he cooked in the smoker (found it at a thrift store for 9 bucks -- cheap father's day gift!). So I am frantically limping around with l trying to get the house straightened up and clean the back porch/yard -- of course he had class from 1 - 5 and she was coming over at 5:30 so guess who was doing this? Just another example of him not putting me before ANYONE else. Ya know? How about a phone call to ME before inviting someone over to just say, hey, how is your ankle? Do you feel up to company? (NO)
Well, today it is still swollen and hurts a little, but not as stiff, but I didn't stay at the track with the kids this morning. AND MyPoolBoy is still in bed asleep even though he has 27 hours to finish 5 chapters of statistics and take a final. He is a horrible procrastinator when it comes to school work -- and I hate being on the brunt end of his wrath when things don't go smoothly (well, duh, don't wait till the last minute).
I also have decided that yes, he is a bit of a spoiled brat.... He got pretty much everything when he was growing up and he has A) no patience to wait and save to get the things he wants, B) no desire to take a cheaper or used model of something, and C) no patience to get something LATER -- it all needs to be now -- well guess what honey -- all your buds that are getting their feet on the ground and getting to play golf and have nice houses probably didn't have 2 arrests for not paying their bills because they lied to their wife and I bet they haven't had to wrangle financing on their home that they "forgot" to pay (for 6 months) and almost lose their house because they lied to their wife about that, too. He puts on such airs/pretenses and it pisses me off -- he acts like we are freaking rich and buys "toys" that just sit in the yard and rust after he uses them once -- I couldn't even tell you how many Dremels we have. He talks a good game though -- He goes on and on about all he is going to do to fix up the house (that still has concrete floors after 10 years!) but all he does is talk -- Granted right now he is going to school, but ya know what? I have a hard time buying that excuse when he is LAYING IN BED ASLEEP AND HE HAS 5 CHAPTERS TO DO IN ONE DAY BECAUSE HE HAS PUT IT OFF FOR WEEKS!

Impatient is definitely the A #1 word I would use to describe him. He is miffed at MonsterInLaw right now because he wants the little bass boat that his dad had (since his dad died, no one is using it). Well, MonsterInLaw told him yesterday that she might just sell it because she doesn't think that we can afford the insurance and the tags -- well that made MyPoolBoy mad, but good cow, I can't even get him to put the tags on my car. Now his car was always fine, but let me just drive around waiting for a ticket -- he seems to have no clue how much of a nervous wreck it makes me to get behind the wheel -- at one point I had no left turn signal and a brake light out and no insurance and the tags out (still are) and it is not inspected. Ok, he got pulled over in his suburban and got a ticket for the insurance, so now we have insurance (woulda been cheaper just to get the insurance in the first place, duh) He fixed the turn signal cuz MonsterInLaw finally griped at him enough -- apparently my griping doesn't count -- and he sold his suburban, but do you think he will go spend $35 on the tags that have been out for 17 months (yes, over a year!!!!!) NO, but he'll go spend $15 on ice cream with the boys even though we have ice cream in the freezer. Anyway, back to the original point -- MonsterInLaw is right, and I'm not taking his side in the whole boat thing -- if he can't take care of the car and the house and the trailer (that we still don't even have a TITLE paid for yet) then does he really think that we can expect him to take care of a boat, too?

Good, lord, our lives are a mess! All I want is to be a respectable RESPONSIBLE citizen and I am married to this brat-child. If someone gave us a million dollars tomorrow to take care of our financial obligations, you can bet that MyPoolBoy would find some way to NOT pay anything and use all the money to PLAY.

Tight and tiring

Well, school is out and MyPoolBoy does not have any employment, so things are tight financially. He sold his suburban and has pawned some stuff and he IS going to get another sub check at the end of June, BUT I am so tired of him lying to people about stuff.

MonsterInLaw was on the phone with him tonight, telling him that ANOTHER one of his great-aunts was doing poorly health-wise (probably about to die) and he told her that we would be out of pocket all weekend but that we would have our cell phones -- then he told her that there was a track meet in Giddings on Saturday and that all the boys were going (Chunk is going with us) -- he completely left out that we were going to our class reunion in Odessa -- I guess because he doesn't want her to know that he is spending any money doing anything but going to school.

Also, he told me he needs to get a Father's Day card to send to her to put on his dad's grave because he thinks she'll gripe about him not doing it -- or else send flowers. I totally don't understand the guilt trip behind this at all -- "your father died, but I still expect you to go and spend money on flowers or a card so that I can go put it on the grave"

That's messed up, huh?

I am at the absolute fattest (not overweight - FAT) that I have ever been - embarrassing -- just in time to be a lot more than I weighed in high school to go to my 20th class reunion. I'm thrilled.

Graduation recovery

Ok, so Graduation night (morning after, actually) we had gone to TrainWreck's Project Grad to chaperone and we didn't get in until 5 am -- well, TrainWreck came home about 7 am because he had won a tv and wanted to put it in his room before going back to his friend's house. We were sleeping on the sofa bed in the front room and TrainWreck was making some noise as he got in -- and MyPoolBoy came totally unhinged! He started yelling, telling TrainWreck to just move out, pack his stuff and leave right then and there, so TrainWreck took off walking down the street and MyPoolBoy jumped in the car and chased him down -- almost hit him - crazy MF! Well, unfortunately/fortunately MonsterInLaw was staying with us and she saw and heard the whole thing.... hmmm what a sweet boy you've raised, huh? Maybe your daughter in law is not such a bi+ch after all.... maybe your baby is really an A--Hole. Pretty much everyone woke up after that and MonsterInLaw left pretty early. I slept the whole rest of the day, but at least I didn't come unglued and rant after anyone.

Need to write or I'll explode

Got to use a gift certificate that a student got me for a facial today. You'd think that would make me be all stress-free and happy, right? Well, I was until MyPoolBoy called as I was pulling out of the parking lot and started his whining about how he wished he could get one, no one ever gives him anything, he had a migraine all day, why don't I turn my car around and go back to the parking lot where he was waiting with Lurch? (mainly because I was trying to call Lurch at that moment and his phone interrupted that call, so I wasn't shirking what I needed to do, but by golly the world revolves around him and I stupidly must've forgotten it while I was de-stressing, so yep, I better tense back up and worry about his sorry butt again!) guilt guilt guilt guilt guilt guilt
It brought up an argument (of course) of how I always get to go on trips and get massages and facials and he hasn't been anywhere without me or the boys since his dad took him hunting in Ozona (B.S., because he went and played golf with some buddies since them, but whatever makes you miserable)

Anyway - I pointed out to him that the massage and facial were GIFTS from students (I left out the fact that he has had two massages in the past year from my sister Pepita who is a massage therapist, one as a gift and one WE PAID FOR) and my trips, well granted the San Antonio trips (the 2 that I've gotten to go on) cost us about $100 each year, but Scotland was a scholarship deal -- I had a 4.0 GPA and wrote a thesis so I EARNED IT. Would he be happier if I just didn't use them and let them go to waste so he didn't feel left out? Yeah, probably.

I swear he's jealous over my grades and how fast I got through college, too, and he gets pissed at ME if I don't help HIM do the same, but he doesn't want to do the work. I have yet to see him study until 3 in the morning and get up to go to work at 6:30.

Also, my last blood-related relative, an aunt, on my dad's side (besides my dad, my brothers and some cousins) died this past week. The funeral was Saturday. Of course MyPoolBoy gets on the phone and tells MonsterInLaaw and they get into a discussion about how many deaths we have had in our family in the last 2 months (his father, my grandmother, his great-aunt, my aunt, and also her son's mother-in-law -- my cousin had to bury his mother-in-law on Friday and his mother on Saturday). Anyway, MonsterInLaw tells him that his aunt (not blood-aunt) had a nephew on her family's side that died a few weeks before -- now, MyPoolBoy doesn't even know this person, but he decides to add it to the list of family that has died because he cannot stand that I might get some attention or sympathy from someone. Honestly, my aunt bought my prom dress, sewed for me every summer when I was little, and took care of me when my little brother was run over by a car when I was little. And here's MyPoolBoy-- poor little PoolBoy-- has a migraine because he's so stressed that his aunt's nephew on her mother's side died. wah wah wah SO I'm trying to grieve and trying not to cry because I want to be tough (can't be a girl in front of him because APPARENTLY I am in a bad mood too much -- well holy cow! my family is dropping like flies all around me!) and MyPoolBoy is griping. The thing that really burned my butt was when I was trying to pack for the funeral Friday morning and I turned on the closet light to find my black shoes. He got mad because it woke him up (at 6:30 -- everyone else in the house gets up by then, anyway, but he gets to sleep until after 7:00 - lazy jerk). I'm thinking HELLO my AUNT DIED and I need to pack for a funeral -- you are doing NOTHING to be supportive except to gripe that you have to teach all day and then have to drive all afternoon to take me to a funeral - ya know what? DON'T FREAKING GO! I don't need to feel guilty about being in mourning. I cleaned BOTH of MonsterInLaw's houses when his dad died AND packed AND shopped for funeral clothes for the whole family AND stayed for over a week at MonsterInLaw's house and he is bitching at me about the closet light and having to drive for one weekend? JERK!

Get off your lazy rear end and DO SOMETHING ... he keeps griping about his classes -- heck he's gotten 2 extensions for one of them and extra time for the other one's research paper.

Just a mess. What a big whiner baby. I'm tired of being married to a child.

Only 2 more days of school thank goodness. We have been watching movies because they dumped all the paperwork on us the last 4 days instead of spreading it out over a few weeks. I'm making a checklist for next year that I will keep in my handy-dandy pink notebook and set up some kind of timeline for starting earlier than they expect.

Found this picture -- thought it was especially appropriate since my aunt was a Scrabble wiz.
Kept hearing her voice as I was falling asleep Saturday night.

trapped

I have decided that part of my depression spiral is due to the trapped feeling/situation that I am in because of circumstances in my life. Financially, we are tight right now waiting to get MyPoolBoy through college and we are basically relying on my salary only and what he can bring in subbing (which we will not have this summer). And we have no insurance on him right now either, so that is a bit of a constant back-of-my-mind worry. MyPoolBoy doesn't have the inspection or tags on the car updated so I drive in fear of a ticket all the time. MyPoolBoy wants to finish school in a year, but that means that he has to find a grant or scholarship for the fall and spring and also that we will have to pay for this summer out of our pockets (with him not working !) Then Thunderduck called last night and his financial aid is only giving him $650 for the fall semester and the rest is going to be a loan - he seemed a little perturbed but I got a little miffed and told him that I had been trying for 7 years to get him and his brothers to keep their grades up and apply for scholarships - instead I filed the FAFSA and basic grant paperwork and they applied for nothing. SO they are getting pretty much nothing. I am sweating how to get MyPoolBoy through and now I have to worry about Thunderduck and TrainWreck also. If I was not married to a liar and we were not WHITE F-ING TRASH then we would not have our house mortgaged to what amounts to a loan shark company for WAY more than it was worth because of his bad choices a few years ago and instead it would almost be paid off and we would have some equity in it that we could get for college. Instead, I don't even have the option of selling it and getting a smaller place to make money for them because it is in such a state of disaster and disrepair because MyPoolBoy starts all these f-ing projects and never finishes them so we can't even sell this piece of crap - I AM TRAPPED.

And I sat and spent my Mother's Day:
A) cooking dinner for everyone cuz no one else even cooked lunch
B) filling out graduation invitations because TrainWreck has done nothing and all the family is wanting to know where they are!
C) crying because I feel so helpless at the fact that there is nothing financially I can do about anything
D) putting up with everyone else's bad moods and arguing and hatefulness toward each other
E) wearing my pajamas all day

I need out of here SO BAD and we can't afford for me to go anywhere or do anything for myself.
At least my weight is down but I'm still fat.

I AM TRAPPED

Power Hour

Your Power Level is: 68%

You're a very powerful person, and you know that all of your power comes from within. Keep on doing what you're doing, and you'll reach your goals.

How Powerful Are You?

This is odd to see. Me... powerful? I answered honestly on this quiz and I really figured I would come off as wishy-washy. I am just really tired tonight from cleaning house (alone) to get ready for MonsterInLaw to come visit.

. How anyone can sit on the couch and eat 17 chocolate chip cookies watching tv while another person is scurrying around to clean house for THEIR relative is just beyond me. Still have to do another load of laundry, clean the cat box, sweep the halls, clean the medicine cabinets in the bathrooms, and clean the tvs/computers. MyPoolBoy said he would do the dinner dishes. woopee - I'm underwhelmed.

I cut my hair last night -- after researching my face shape, eye color, body type, etc. I found a medium length style that is not far off from what I've been doing. Also read some more PreppyCafe and got motivated to not dress so slouchy.

.Hitting Bottom and a New Outlook

Well, we went to our usual hangout (MyPoolBoy and Felix and a couple of other teachers) on Friday afternoon before the thing at the library -- right before we left these guys from Pflugerville come in and start playing shuffleboard behind us and start talking to us. As we are finishing our drinks, another round appears - from them, so we HAVE to drink them, ya know? Then they pay out and leave and right when they are leaving ANOTHER round shows up - they had paid for more while they paid out.

So now we have missed Chunk's baseball game, missed our time to be at the library, and I'm getting pretty hooted. I started feeling guilty about the game and the library thing, and then went to the restroom and saw myself in the mirror - I looked like HELL - I had really let myself go the past few weeks - cuz I KNOW I've been depressed.

Anyway, I got down and MyPoolBoy got mad and left and sat in the car, so I said bye to Felix and we came home. MyPoolBoy fell asleep about 2 minutes after we got home, but I took a shower and blow-dryed my hair before going to bed. I woke up SO rested, better outlook and my feet didn't hurt. Actually, now that I think about it, they don't hurt this morning EITHER.

Gosh! I've been SO DEPRESSED! Anyway yesterday I woke up and fixed my hair - NOT in a ponytail- and put on a little makeup. I got all of TrainWreck's prom stuff taken care of, including making him a boutenneirre since he didn't have a date. I also organized all of Thunderduck's college soccer clippings and got a new scrapbook and ALMOST (except for a schedule, 8 digital pictures that I need to print and the banquet stuff) have it done. I mean all I have to do is glue in some pictures! I finished MyPoolBoy's dad's memorial scrapbook except for the obit (which I am waiting to get from MonsterInLaw when she comes down). I also almost finished my college graduation/honors scrapbook except for a copy of my invitation and I thought about making and printing a small version of my diploma.

I'm also not dreading having MonsterInLaw come down for TrainWreck's track meet on Thursday, I've just resolved myself to clean the house and that's it. No dread, no anger, no depression. I really think I just needed to hit bottom and have some time to do nothing but piddle to get myself "rebooted" I am going to probably seriously stick to my 54321 routine again because I have been leaving out the 3 for Me REALLY BADLY and it was wearing me down. I have to put myself before I do something 4 Others and do a Take 5 at home or at work. I had been putting myself last to the point that nothing else was getting done, anyway! Depression is a sucky thing.

ok - so today I have to clean house, take Chunk to baseball practice, print a calendar, do TrainWreck's grad invitations, and do lesson plans - that's a 5, a 4, a 2, another 4, and a 5... gotta do some 1's and 3's! Me and God need to have room in there somewhere. Ok, so I'm off to find some Joyce Meyer and hit the kitchen!

PS - I also haven't gotten on the scale all weekend - not obsessing!

UPDATE: Joyce Meyer today was all about decluttering the negative things and influences from your life. God sure speaks when he has to!

Only the lonely

You Are Likely an Only Child

At your darkest moments, you feel frustrated. At work and school, you do best when you're organizing. When you love someone, you tend to worry about them. In friendship, you are emotional and sympathetic. Your ideal careers are: radio announcer, finance, teaching, ministry, and management. You will leave your mark on the world with organizational leadership, maybe as the author of self-help books.

The Birth Order Predictor

It is odd that this thing is dead-on correct about my traits, but off on the Only child part. I guess part of my upbringing, though, I WAS sort of an only child (at least being the only girl and when I lived with my Grandma) so it may explain why my attributes point towards that. It kind of reminds me of the song "Lonely Boy" from the 70s where the kid thought he was the ONLY one, and ends up being "lonely boy" HMMMM wonder why THAT wasn't my theme song.

News of the day and drama:
TrainWreck had lunch with the track coach at UTPB and interviewed - said he's on the team if he decides to go there.Thunderduck said tryouts with the soccer team looked good for TrainWreck, so the coach of the soccer team is probably going to get him over to fill out paperwork and stuff tomorrow.

When I sent MyPoolBoy a text message about it that just said "utpb track = yes" he called me and asked what I meant. I told him that TrainWreck made the team, the interview went well, and he said he wants to go there. He asked about scholarships, and I told him just the grant package that Thunderduck got was all I know of and he goes off on me bi+ching that we can't afford it, Thunderduck already owes X thousand number of $ (not true, I don't think) and he needs to just come home and forget it if they won't give him a full ride and go somewhere else. I told him that a full ride was out of the question because TrainWreck had not filled out any of the scholarship stuff I gave him to do and it was too late to do any bigger schools and MyPoolBoy gets all pissy. I THINK what may be the problem is that he's been bragging to someone that TrainWreck is going D-1 on a full ride and now he has to eat his words... and he's taking it out on me. Also - Thunderduck was talking to me on the phone tonight after he and TrainWreck got in from soccer practice. He said something about getting the old phone from our account upgrade instead of the new one that MyPoolBoy ordered. I told him it had been YEARS since I got a new phone so he should consider himself lucky. Thunderduck could hear MyPoolBoy griping in the background and he said "oh, great I guess I got him started" I coyly said "correct" and Thunderduck said "I bet you could say PINEAPPLE and he'd get a way to start bi+ching at you out of it" Well I died laughing - cause it is SO TRUE. Later tonight MyPoolBoy came and started the phone argument again, telling me how he was going to tell Thunderduck to take the old phone back, stop griping, and pay for his own phone (The testosterone was flyin' tonight, people!), etc etc I told him that Thunderduck was NOT bi+ching he was just expressing disappointment because I think that he thought he was getting the new one. Again with the griping. I just walked out and did laundry -- it is SICKENING how negative he is. And this is after I told him yesterday that I needed to surround myself with positive thoughts and positive thinking/environment. HE IS THE MOST NEGATIVE INFLUENCE IN MY LIFE - HE RUINED MY HAPPINESS OVER MY SON GETTING TO PLAY 2 SPORTS IN COLLEGE HE RUINED A FRIENDLY CONVERSATION I WAS TRYING TO HAVE WITH MY OLDEST SON AND HE RUINED THE ONLY RELAXATION I HAD AFTER SCHOOL WHILE I WAS TRYING TO GET READY FOR THE TAKS TEST TOMORROW.

btw - the TAKS test is tomorrow.

Empty Well

or blood from a turnip -- however you look at it, I'm drained emotionally.

First of all, we lost our files on our website so all work done since last year is flat-out GONE. Then today I get an email saying that our domain name has been sold off to someone else. So there goes my identity on the web.

Anyway, I tried my hardest this week during the holiday to do some stuff around the house and to get ME some ME time (scrapbooking, etc.). I did get SOME stuff done and feel like I got to unwind a little bit, but after having 12 teenagers take over the house Thursday night and leaving stuff lying around I felt back at square one yesterday and I spent yesterday morning and this morning catching up on dishes and laundry and picking up the living room and dining room.

Right when I'd get on a roll, MyPoolBoy would come in and "hint" that it was time for lunch or dinner and I'd have to drop what I was doing and cook a meal. (not to leave out the morning when he asked me if I was hungry for breakfast -- TRANSLATION: he wanted breakfast and I had to get out of bed and cook breakfast while he laid there and watched tv).

Then tonight MyPoolBoy gets all pissed because he doesn't have as many credits as we thought he did due to some problem with his govt class at OC and the one at CTC. Of course, I am blamed because I am the whole reason he took the CTC class, etc. etc. etc. I completely lost it. I just got in the car and drove off and parked and cried for about 30 minutes solid. They have no idea (especially MyPoolBoy) how much they are taking out of me. I jumped on MyPoolBoy when I got back because I am so tired of being his effin' cheerleader all the damn time. He wants constant success and constant reassurance and I just can't do it anymore...it is wearing me out. I told him since I had stayed up multiple nights typing his research papers while he SLEPT that I would at least appreciate a thank you or something. SOOOOO I've been exhausted working, dealing with his school, trying to keep up the house so that he doesn't have anything to worry about except college and he gets all pissy and does the whole typical overreaction thing that he is going to quit school -- it is just causing me more stress. CRIPES that sends me over the deep end....it's getting really old. More drama than any girl I know. The constant overreaction is so STUPID just STUPID he makes a total a$$ of himself.

Not to mention that I still have to get TrainWreck's stuff lined out for a website (that MyPoolBoy let lapse into nonexistence) to start getting track coaches to come look at him...poor Lurch and Chunk are getting completely ignored, or so I feel...so what do I do? I bend over backwards to pay attention to them and get sidetracked from what I want and need to do and end up feeling guilty and stressed even worse.

You can't get water from an empty well -- I really need to be filled back up spiritually and emotionally. No wonder my blood pressure is ridiculously high. I'm just waiting to die or at least end up in the hospital so I can rest. They have no clue how bad it is.....and I think if they do, they just don't care because it would be too much effort to do something that mom will do later if you just let it sit long enough (including school & paperwork).
Must be nice to be an oblivious male a$$hole.

Some days....

Ya know, I really wanted to use this blog as an outlet for writing/creativity, but it seems like some days it's just my vent board. Some days are becoming most days...

My head hurts because I'm starving myself because I am up to 158 again (I'm like a friggin yoyo all the damn time!)

I have done NO EXERCISE all spring break, my house is worse than ever, and I was sick yesterday. Needless to say, I still have vodka left, too. I'm not enjoying being home at all. The guilt of the mess, the piss-off-ness I feel at it not being my mess, but the lazy MEN I live with (the boys want me to drive them here, there, etc., but then they also stay up all night and trash the place). Flylady does not work with my attitude the way it is, but h3ll, it wasn't working with a good attitude, either - I can't win when 4 people are trashing the place behind me when I go to bed.

Got a Yahoo Launch Radio station set up with 80s music to go with my HS alumni yahoo group that I've started. Listening to that helps a little -- I did eat right today. But I still don't want to clean house or get up and exercise.

MyPoolBoy will be home any minute...the freakin dogs keep getting out of their fence and they spent the night in the house having the World Championship Crap-Off everywhere until he can get home and figure out what's wrong with the fence/gate/wire. Example: Weasel-"I can crap more than you can, Lady." Lady - "I bet you can't crap sideways." Weasel - "I can crap and make it leave a little trail all the way down the hallway." Lady - "Wow! Impressive. You truly are a crap genius!"

In the meantime, the cat is trying to puke in as much square footage of the kitchen as possible.
I'm so tired of cleaning up after the boys and their animals -- the turtle died, but now they want a duck. I'm thinking.....NO!

Anyway, I took Thunderduck, TrainWreck, and Lurch up to the basketball courts at the park for a 3 on 3 tournament. Their team was the Custodians (cuz they clean up the court). They lost in the first round 12 to 4.

Hmmmm if I were to do a Top Ten list today what do I want to accomplish?
1) Shave my legs (actually, I already did this) *DONE*
2) Drink an apple martini
3) Con someone into cleaning the cat puke in the kitchen for me *DONE*
4) Drink another apple martini
5) Make the boys take out the trash *DONE*
6) Drink a third apple martini
7) Get the dogs out of the house and send someone behind them to scoop up all their "championship" piles *DONE*
8) Have an apple martini chaser for the 3 I drank already
9) Convince the males to clean up the Christmas stuff
10) Watch the house get clean while I shout orders and drink apple martinis

Down by 1

Well, really 2...but I'm being cautious...I've been so up and down lately...so I'm calling it at 157 (even though at one point today it was 155.5!)

I wore my black jeans and little boot shoes and that denim jacket/blouse with black piping trim today.

I had a tiring day. Everything got done for lesson planning, etc. but right off the bat this morning I got a phone call from an irate mom that was upset because Felix and I are making her angel do here homework at recess, and are writing her up for unreasonable reasons ...um, excuse me? This child is not telling the exact truth to mom about why she is getting in trouble in the first place. It may be unreasonable to write-up a child for bringing too many blankets to the read-in. It is NOT unreasonable to write her up for shoving another child out of his chair -- oh, whoops, Mom...she forgot to tell you THAT part. So, I didn't get the copies done that I wanted and had to scramble to get what I needed to get by on before 7:45.

Day went ok, most of the work got done...12 more school days (11 after today) until the test. THEN I found out that I had to go to a dad-gum ESL testing meeting. Now, what aggravates me is that I am not ESL certified...I do not WANT to be ESL certified ON PURPOSE. They gave me ESL/LEP/BIL kids anyway (whatever their label is this year -- the state changes it so much!). The parents have denied services so they are getting NO HELP FROM ESL -- only what I can do in the classroom and whatever tutoring and pull-out stuff I can get them -- yet I am still ultimately responsible for their TAKS scores. Oh, no, let's not hold the PARENTS WHO DENIED SERVICES RESPONSIBLE AT ALL! SO I go to this training/meeting this afternoon and find out that I have to submit 3-5 writing samples before March 14 -- ummmm, ok, that's 5 weeks... you people are getting THREE. I have a TAKS test to get ready for during THREE of those FIVE weeks, you idiots.

At the end of the day, I got a call from the trainer at the HS -- Lurch cut his shin REALLY bad -- down to the bone...and needed stitches. Well, since I had the meeting I called MyPoolBoy and had him go get him and take him to the emergency room. When I got home, I tried to make dinner and relax a minute, folded a little laundry. MyPoolBoy called while I was cooking and proceeds to scream at me about how the emergency room is wanting full payment and he hopes that I wasn't planning on eating or doing anything else for the next week...in front of Lurch, and Lurch came home feeling horribly guilty about getting hurt in the first place. I swear, I get so pissed at that man! He is so unnecessarily negative so much of the time. Here I am fighting depression on a daily basis, always trying to turn the other cheek and keep my spirits up and he spews forth negativity every time he opens his mouth. He can't just phrase stuff in a calm way and punctuate it with "everything will be ok, though." What a jerk. And he wonders why I can't be all hyperly in love with him. He is a large cause of my depression. It is bad enough that he brings me down by lying to me or not telling me about 1/2 of all he says and does, but the half that he DOES tell me he is overreacting or dramatizing something and making me worry as much or more about the unknown.

Well, to console myself and the boys from his blow-up I baked a few dozen cookies...there goes my 1 (or 2) pounds, probably. DANGIT!

Now I have a headache. I'm going to go to bed and try to work in the morning.

Irresponsibility Runs Amok

I swear MyPoolBoy drives me nuts! It's bad enough that he does completely irresponsible crap, but then he starts asking me "what's wrong?" "what's wrong?" "what's wrong?" I always tell him that I just keep it all bottled up because if I tell him what is wrong he will just get pissed. He always says "no I won't" so - out of vindictivenss I guess - I always tell him. ....and he always gets pissed! Well the last 10 days have been one big screw-up after another for him. Last night we were going to go out and he said he would stop and fill up the car because he never gives me any money for gas during the week -- I think he feels like he has to be in control of something because he never was allowed any control when he was living with his parents....they did everything for him. Anyway, we start driving out of town and he passes by EVERY SINGLE GAS STATION -- when we got about halfway to our destination I asked him why did he wait to get gas....he just goes "Oh, I forgot. We'll get some up here." (about a 1/2 mile away) Right then the car starts to sputter and die and we managed to get off the road and turn on the hazard lights -- which BTW the left one doesn't work because he won't take it to the shop to get checked out....of course, THAT is my fault too because I always have the car and he can't ever get it to take it to the shop (like I couldn't take the Suburban ONE day and have him take my car). SOOOOO the jerk starts walking to go get gas and calls Felix (who has been home all day with a sick teenager -- and has her come pick his stupid butt up and drive him to the gas station and back to the car.

I am just LIVID! I did tell him that I get tired of living like we are poor -- there is no reason except for his irresponsibility that we have had this stuff happen to us. If we didn't have the money that would be one thing -- if he had half a brain in his head we wouldn't be dealing with this...he is SO IMMATURE!!!!!!!! I really thought that after 18 years he'd grow out of of SOME OF IT! WHAT AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOW today I am walking on the treadmill and he compliments me on my @ss. I just rolled my eyes and kept walking. He asked me what was wrong -- don't I like getting compliments? I told him that I don't mind compliments but they always seem to be about my @ss -- as if I don't have anything else that he can say something nice about...and that it always seemed to have sexual motivations behind it when he did compliment me....WOW I feel so loved because you've been staring at my butt and that's all I am to you...yeah, I hop right into bed with you because that's the kind of stupid person I am.

SO while I am in here checking email, he comes back in to the room (I guess because he just likes to pick a fight) and asks "Why don't you want me to pay you a compliment?" I told him that I don't mind a compliment but they always seem to be about a sexual part of my body and it feels like blackmail to make me get in the sack with him. I'd just rather not have any compliments than have them that are sexual in nature and there is an inferred stipulation attached to them. He yells, "Fine, I guess I just won't give you any compliments any more."
Oh yeah, darn, my loss.....
I just told him that I couldn't believe he walked all the way back to this end of the house just to pick a fight -- no response --