Friday, July 30, 2010

Shameless AW Flaunt of My Semi-Middle-Class Status

I will warn you that this is a picture-heavy post and it is chock-full of confusing automotive terms that a highly-paid licensed professional auto mechanic won't even understand because I am basically making the terms up as I go along.

Just spent almost my entire extra summer school pay for the month of July on a 1993 BMW POS convertible that I can't drive.

Oh it's not that it doesn't RUN -- it runs beautifully....

I can't drive it because it is a standard and I don't know HOW to drive it. I was informed that it is a 5-speed. Which pretty much all that means to me is that it is a standard and I don't know how to drive it.

It fits my multiple personality disorder very well, because as you can see with the top up, it is a very cute little preppy-ish car.

The gear shift knob has the little "map" on it to show you where to move the knob to in order to shift gears, but it comes off sometimes. Especially if you are shifting wrong. Which for me, is actually more than sometimes.

MyPoolBoy offered to get me a new pretty little leather gear shift knob or an actual Beemer logo gear shift knob that would stay on no matter what sort of abuse it had to endure due to my ignorance, but it didn't have the "map" on it. So I am just going to have to learn how to shift without pulling the gear shift knob completely off the stick-thingy until I don't need the map anymore. Or get some superglue and glue the map one back down. Cuz if I got a Sharpie and drew my own map on a new pretty little gear shift knob, he'd probably get mad. Trust me. I KNOW him. He gets mad when I do shi+ like that.

But pretty much, since it is a convertible, I figure I don't even NEED to know how to drive it anyway because I can put MyPoolBoy in the driver's seat and I can sit on the back when the top is down and wear my tiara and be like the parade princess or homecoming queen ALL THE DAYUM TIME!

Which brings me to personality #2 - The Bimbo. This is definitely a bimbo car when the top is down.

Got it for 1/3 the original price that the guy wanted because I refuse to buy anything for full price. He was desperate. I had cash. Done deal.

Personality #3 - cheap white trash.

It is the first car I've ever had in my entire life that I got to pick out myself. So I am a bit annoying with it. EVERYONE has to see it! And I'll be the first to admit it is a POS. But it is a CONVERTIBLE POS so I don't care!!!!!!!!!!!! To me this is a HUGE step up from the mom-mobiles that I have disdainfully driven my almost-enough-for-my-own-basketball team gaggle of boys around in like an effed up locker-room-scented short-bus for the past 20-something years.

Personality #4 - midlife crisis.

The first thing we did was go get new keys made because the only key to my POS looked like this:

And you must use this key to open the passenger door, the trunk, and the gas tank.

Oh and you need it to start the car. So you must use it for the ignition too.

I don't know if you need it to open the glove compartment or not because the latch for the glove compartment is broken off so if it needs a key, I have absolutely no knowledge of that little detail.

You cannot use this key to open the driver's side door because the lock circle dealie on the driver's side is gone. The locking mechanism INSIDE still functions because you can unlock all the doors and the gas tank by turning the lock on the trunk key a certain way and you can hear the clicky noise when you turn it and the door handle does indeed refuse to open when the clicky noise is in the locked position.

So. We got new keys, which incidentally, did NOT come in pink, and the next thing we did was go pick up Felix and her ManHo. We drove around and Felix remarked that we needed it at the coast for a LucilleMobile. I agreed.

It is definitely a Thelma and Louise type of vehicle. We came to this conclusion while sitting in the back seat, enjoying the hair-tangling breezes with the top down.  The back seat upholstery had just been redone so it is very comfy (the guy was running out of money restoring this car, that's why he sold it so cheap).

Very obviously, the front seats have NOT just been redone.  Which means that I will have to buy some snazzy leopard print seat covers for the front seats.  We found some black ones with pink trim that were cute and all, but I think since the cracked dash is black and the rest of the interior is tan, the black and tan tones of leopard print will clash less. 

Felix and I then discovered that my next purchase needs to be duct tape. Because the speaker cover in the back seat came off while I was picking at it observing it.  

This picture was actually taken after Felix and I nearly peed all over the back seat upholstery from laughter and then we slammed it back into place hurriedly before MyPoolBoy got a chance to turn around and look and see what we were laughing at. 

Which brings me to the next thing.....

 MyPoolBoy attempted to adjust the rear-view mirror in order to see what we were laughing at in the back seat that made us nearly pee all over the back seat upholstery, and this happened: 

So now I need some sort of special epoxy gluey crap to put the mirror back onto the windshield.

Because now there is nothing from which to hang my pink fuzzy dice. 

This also reminds me - there are no visors coming down from the windshield either, so I am not real sure how anyone expects me to put my mascara and lip gloss on in the car on the way to work every day.

Plus MyPoolBoy informed me that I have to use one of my hands to shift gears or some shi+ so I can't put makeup on while I'm driving.  How is THAT supposed to work?????????  

We drove it over so Felix's niece could see it because we needed a break because our a$$es were sweating and sticking to the leather seat and Felix's niece laughed hysterically at the fact that I bought a car that I couldn't even drive.  Then she asked me if the air conditioning worked.  I honestly don't know.  I have pretty much had the top down since we got it and I'm not gonna run the a/c with the top down.

Cosmetically, the top is in remarkable condition for a 17-year old car.  The back window will never be adorned with stickers touting ANYONE'S football position or basketball jersey number because this is NOT A MOM CAR.  

Not that I could stick anything on the back window right now anyway.  One reason is that the clear bendy plastic window stuff that goes in the back window was in the process of being replaced and the guy HAS the clear plastic bendy stuff, we just have to go pick it up and get it put in.

The tires are in good shape.  The seat belts all work.  Which is good I guess.  The only additional safety feature that I have added is this:

SPF 45 - MyPoolBoy really needs to wear a hat when driving a convertible.

Oh.  One more thing ---

This little square piece of black plastic crap is hanging off the front bumper from a little thin piece of black plastic crap  -- Does anyone know what it is??????????


qandlequeen said...

But it's a CONVERTABLE!!!!! Who cares if you can't drive it. You look good in it and that's all that matters!

qandlequeen said...
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