Bullies

We were trying to figure out why our dog is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy to see us whenever we come home - no matter how long we've been gone. For instance, if we must make the lengthy journey to the mailbox and back. I have decided that the cats tell her that the humans have gone for good this time and that we are never coming back so she will have to obey them, now.

Then we show back up and she acts all surprised.

True Friendship

Went to dinner with Felix and her husband last night. Felix and I sat in the back of her Mustang and the guys were up front for more leg room. We were comparing tans and we discovered that the tops of my thighs and feet are peeling since our trip to the beach. Hadn't even thought I had burned! Anyhoooo I had my shoes off and propped my feet up on the console to show Felix...and she starts peeling the skin off of the tops of my feet like a momma monkey grooming its baby.

Now THAT is a true friend.

Pedi Story

My perky little friend the CrocWhore was telling us about going to get pedicures. She is like me, she never has had many - but we howled at what happened to her!

So - she goes in and goes to pick her color polish. She is between 2 colors and just can't decide. Just as she is about to put one back, the color she WANTS slips from her hand and fall to the floor, splattering all over the tile and the walls. Decision made. The little man in the shop is trying to frantically wipe it up and tell her it is ok in his broken English, and CrocWhore is absolutley mortified. Pink splatters are all over the place and he gets some polish remover to try to get it cleaned up. It comes off the tile, but as he and the girl in the shop frantically try to wipe the wall - the paint starts coming off the wall!

Meanwhile, she gets seated with polish color choice 2 and complains to us that she does not really understand that when LittleMan is tapping her foot it is some Secret Squirrel language for her to move her foot. She assumed it was part of the foot massage of the pedicure and he just taps and taps, then eventually slaps her foot harder and harder until he finally just reaches down and moves it so he can work on the other foot!

As LittleMan moves on to work on her toenails, CrocWhore reveals to us that she had a broken toenail on her pinky toe and it was sort of hanging half-on, half-off. LittleMan asks her in pseudo-English if she wants it removed, or cut, or whatever. CrocWhore tries to tell him to just leave it - but unsuccessfully. After some argumentative exchange, minutes later, LittleMan rips the broken part of the toenail off - and CrocWhore intuitively reacts by screaming "F**K!" LittleMan holds the nail up triumphantly and celebrates with "I got it! I got it!" and CrocWhore musters all her strength to A) not cry B) hide from the shame that she just screamed an obscenity and C) not kill or maim LittleMan with one of his own manicure tools.

Somehow, everyone in the shop survives the remainder of the actual pedicure itself, but CrocWhore is not quite done with her misadventure.... She is instructed to go seat herself to dry the polish at the drying table. Alas, the translation to put her feet under the light UNDER the table is grossly miscommunicated. Little toe-separator flip-flops in place, CrocWhore promptly puts her feet up ON the table and begins to read a magazine! LittleMan comes running over, flustered, and points and wildly gestures enough to get her feet where they belong.

CrocWhore slips her feet under the table and waits patiently for her polish to dry, pays her way out and tips heavily in embarrassment.

As she sheepishly is walking out, vowing never to return to that shop again, LittleMan comes running after her -- asking for the flip-flops that she wore out of the shop! to be returned.

CrocWhore made good on her promise to not go back to that shop, but her mother did - and she let CrocWhore know that there is a big ol' square of mismatched paint on the back wall of the shop precisely where polish had splattered.

CrocWhore did her own toenails for our trip.

Unsolicted Advice

You really can't use one of those car-no-spill-sippy-lid coffee cups as a martini shaker.

Don't ask me how I know this.


****Edited to add: My(SmartA$$)PoolBoy just told me that physics-wise it doesn't spill out of it when there is coffee cuz the coffee is hot and it expands the rubber ring in the lid of the cup. The martinis are cold so the rubber shrinks. Moral: Never overestimate your rubber.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

A funny

Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shi+ out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

I love image generators

Admittedly I am laughing too hard at the Enzyte one! (I'm a bi+ch)

Some B C witticisms

Banned Camp has been a great source of entertainment for me since we have been home-bound:
My favorite -
"TACT IS FOR PEOPLE NOT WITTY ENOUGH TO BE SARCASTIC."

"I'll have a mocha-vodka-valium-latte to go, please!"

"F**k with me and you f**k with the whole trailer park!"

White Whine: "Wheeeeeere did all these minorities cooooooome froooooom? I just can't taaaaaaaaan. Why can't I daaaaaaaaaaaance?"

"That doesn't mean you have to act like a crap-throwing swamp monkey"

"My theory is if you're not livin' on the edge you're takin' up too much space."

Federal/State Prison (not just jail) is PoundMeInTheA$$ Prison

"I'm sure I'd feel much worse if I wasn't under such heavy sedation."

"Don't make me go all Sophia Petrillo on you"

"9 out of 10 of the voices in my head say pull the trigger."

"Why run when you can run amok?"

"Why kill people with kindness when you could just use an ax?"

"Who needs a lawyer when you have matches?"

And the idea that if a member of your clique gets pregnant you MUST celebrate - you have a designated driver for the next 9 months!

Rodent Drama

Here's what happened after they sucked them all up outta their holes into a truck a Sherwood Park:

I can flush the potty!

Couple of things:

1) We have water! Not from the sky! Kinda low pressure, but enough warm water to wash my hair!

B) I am sooooooo whitetrash! I actually sat and ate SlimJims with my wine tonight (all part of my water conservation efforts)

finally) I was watching that liposuction/fat hospital tv show (on TLC or whatever) and they talked about one of the obese guys trying to get to his goal weight of 220 lbs. That's me! I figure at the rate I'm going, I will get up to that amount pretty soon!

Water water everywhere

And not a drop to drink! We are still without water -- but miraculously we are all ok.

I am doing my part to support the city's request that we conserve what bottled water we have (since at 11 am this morning we only had one road into and out of town!) -- I have taken to drinking wine. WTP is a good citizen.

Our town got enough flooding that we got our own segment on the Weather Channel!
...and I am scooping water out of the pool to flush the toilet.

We're still supposed to brace ourselves for another possible 6 inches this evening (normally adding 6 inches would sound like an Enzyte commercial) to add to the 18 inches that we've already gotten! I think I was supposed to build a friggin' ark or something....

Young & Reckless ?

Saw the previews for Dr. Phil's upcoming episode on young and reckless people. One girl admits that she had to open the door while driving to throw up. Dr. Phil reacted with shock and disdain... I say it means it must've been a really good party!

(Don't write and comment on the evils of DWI, blah blah blah. This is me making a joke. Ok, so to some of you, DWI is not a joke. I don't do it. I don't condone it. Shut up and go buy yourself a sense of humor - for $5 more you can probably get a sick twisted sense of humor like mine and then it won't bother you.)

It's All Very Scientific....

I am one of the few fortunate folks that doesn't get hangovers, no matter how drunk, sick, unconcious, or any combination of the three that I become during a given evening. However, MyPoolBoy and I were discussing that certain evenings I tend to have different reactions to whatever I drink. We have to find out why! So, to solve this dilemma, here's is what I propose for scientific discovery this summer. I have to drink only ONE type of alcohol per night to the point of inebriation (beer, margaritas/tequila, vodka/martinis, rum mixed drinks, wine, and possibly wine coolers or Zimas) -- BECAUSE I need to find out which one:

A) gets me drunk fastest (and figure the cost per ounce vs. others)
B) makes me hyper & dance-y (I like this - MyPoolBoy does not)
C) makes me mellow (wine, I think, good for hanging out on the patio by the chimenea)
D) makes me pass out (not good)
E) makes me sleepy (not good if it is early in the evening)
F) cleans out my colon (we were thinking it was tequila - now I'm wondering if it's beer!)
G) makes me sing (liquid courage)
H) results in UPW's (since I still don't have one that has been unidentifiable)
I) makes me holler and cuss like Tarnnia's granny (best option)


There will probably have to be charts and graphs so that I can clearly show that I am doing this in the name of science and not just as a random and gratiutous excuse to drink myself into an oblivious stupor for a solid week. (Though that is a bonus side-effect!)

The Plan

Felix and I have decided that we are going to kidnap BagLady's old decrepit excuse for a dog and enter it in the Ugliest Dog contest on the Saturday after July 4th! I told Felix it was only $5 entry fee and the winner gets a free stay at the Marriott. We'll win. Paco is UGLY!!!!!! BagLady will probably kick our a$$es though!!!!!

Also - I must mention the fact that I bought Felix a Grease DVD for Christmas last year. SHe is over 40 and has NEVER seen it all the way through! I think I've also reference the fact that this makes her some sort of cultural retard by American standards. However, we are planning to take it to the coast with us and watch it there. She is saving it for us... like a virgin on her wedding night! I am so honored that she wants her first time to be with us!

Look what I made in prison!

Bwahahahaahahaha! I think I may put this on my BannedCamp signature!

Kung Fu

Adding to my video-creation repetoire

A Night at the Rockhoppers

Two brothers compete in a quest to become the best Dance Revolution player at their local mini-golf arcade. Thrills! Drama! Rhythm! (ok, ONE of them doesn't have rhythm)

Happy Father's Day (playlist)

I got another Pick on FIQL with this one

1 There Goes My Life - Kenny Chesney
2 I've Been Watching You - Rodney Adkins
3 Keep It Between the Lines - Ricky Van Shelton
4 The Walk - Sawyer Brown
5 Love Without End, Amen - George Strait
6 Daddy's Hands - Holly Dunn
7 Mr. Mom - Lonestar
8 That's My Job - Conway Twitty
9 Cats in the Cradle - Harry Chapin
10 The Night I Called the Old Man Out - Garth Brooks
11 Tough Little Boys - Gary Allen
12 Daddy's Little Girl - Dean Martin
13 Daddy's Little Girl/Butterfly Kisses - Faith Hill & Tim McGraw
14 I Loved Her First - Heartland
15 The Greatest Man I Never Knew - Reba McEntire
16 My Father's Chair - Rick Springfield
17 In the Living Years - Mike & the Mechanics
18 Dance with My Father Again - Luther Vandross
19 The Best Man - Blaine Larsen
20 Half the Dad He Didn't Have to Be - Brad Paisley

I remember going to HEB....

MyPoolBoy informs me that after we went to go see Corporal Punishment last night I got out of the truck and complained loudly about having to walk on the tree leaf-y things that had fallen on the sidewalk during the rainstorm. I do NOT remember it.

I DO remember: That I wore a size 8 (EIGHT!) skirt last night without a girdle, duct tape, or starvation. (shameless brag)

I also remember that Felix and I sang some dirty lyrics to Love Potion No. 9
"I told her that I was flocked with chicks
You be the 9, and I'll be the 6"

Bi+chslap and one of the 4th grade teachers was there, also, so we got pretty loud and rowdy.

I remember that I got all the women in the place to get up and dance the twist with me.

I remember going to HEB and buying WhiteCastle burgers to cure our drunken cravings.

But that's it....

Oh --Hi to my latest reader that left a comment on the Fashion post - I put up the picture of denim-shorts-girl that MyPoolBoy took with his phone for ya.

Bash

This is the game that SubFriend was telling us about on PigCandy night at Felix's.

You need RealPlayer to make the video play the commercial - there's a short ad right before it starts.

No wonder they took this sumbi+ch off the market....whacking a clown, blocks flying all over the house!