Sunday, August 28, 2011

Driving Instruction

Dear fellow motorists and friends:

You might as well stop honking and waving at me.

Just because you see my highly recognizable, pink glittery white-trash convertible beemer and you KNOW that it is me does not mean that I know who YOU are in your nondescript shade of whitegrayblacknavytan SUV or sedan.  I swear I think all my friends must have bought used cars from a rapper's bodyguard or a Secret Serviceman.  Not one of you has a car that I feel confident waving back to.

And then you're all pi$$ed when I don't wave back at you.  And you bi+ch to me about it later. 

Look.  First of all, the honking scares me.  It's difficult to discern friend or foe if you all have clone-cars.  I'm scared I'm being tailed by the aforementioned bodyguards/government.  You need to understand that if I am not certain of who it is, I might just as likely speed off in a panic thinking I didn't shift gears fast enough or I inadvertently cut someone off while adjusting my leopard print steering wheel cover.  Or that they found my political manifesto and its included plan to take over the post-apocalyptic leftover world and paint the White House pink. My first assumption is that the honking is the precursor to a death threat or a prison term.

Do something that makes you stand out so that I know that I am among friends.  Put some glitter on YOUR car.  Get a flamingo smiley antenna ball.  Rig up your horn to play Jessie's Girl... SOMETHING. 

Unless you ARE a friend and you are only honking because I am in your way because I didn't shift gears fast enough.
Cuz then I'll probably just wave at you with one finger. 

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