Friday, August 05, 2011

Frankly, My Dear...

APPARENTLY there are hot dog rules.  Weiner etiquette.  Coney guidelines.  

No lie. 

Brought to us lowly ignorant Americans by the National Hot Dog Association or some bullsh1t like that. I caught the tail end of this enlightening tidbit on some show that MyPoolBoy was watching.  (You know it is getting close to time for school to start back up because he has run out of things to do and has taken to watching Hot Dog Rules on some obscure cable show.) 

An annoyingly perky lady representing the association (how do you interview for THAT job?) revealed to me that one of the group's suggested guidelines is to eat your hot dog in large bites to be sure that you get all the tastes and flavors of the various components of the hot dog.   And so that you will undoubtedly never consume hot dogs alone so that SOMEONE will be there to Heimlich you when you begin to choke on the large bites of all the tastes and flavors and you will get to savor those tastes and flavors in reverse after the maneuver is performed on you. 

I was baffled by her declaration that Thou Shalt Not Use ketchup on your hot dog past the age of 17.   No, that's not ketchup, it's blood.... I bit my lip trying not to laugh at your stupid hot dog regulations! If they start carding for ketchup at derWeinershnitzel I will undoubtedly resort to kidnapping small children to take with me so that they can score ketchup packets for me.  

Another rule that she managed to convey to the cameras WITH A STRAIGHT FACE: put all condiments on TOP of the constructed dog.  So that not only will you be choking to death from the large bites, but you will have this sh1t all over you so that you look especially pathetic by the time EMS gets there and has to wipe sauerkraut and mustard off of your wife-beater before they can rip it open to administer CPR.  And by having the condiments on top we can readily see if one of your condiments is ketchup and then we can lift your wallet and rifle through your sh1t to check your ID while you drift in and out of consciousness because we have to see if you are authorized to have ketchup on your dog. 

How are they planning on enforcing these rules?  By keeping us confused with hot dogs in packages of 10 and buns in packages of 8 so that they can subconsciously gain control of our minds?  Show of hands if you think this weenie/bun situation has NOTHING at all to do with an ill-fated attempt at converting to the metric system and might actually be a ploy by "the association"  to keep hot dogs in the math story problem workbooks of an endless number of generations of schoolchildren?  Propaganda.    Wake up, America!  Can you not see what's really going on here?????????? 

And then this head-of-the-Hot-Dog-Nazis lady informed me that these guidelines are in place to assure that our hot dog eating is pleasurable and stress-free.  STRESS FREE.  Thank Gawd!  I was trying to determine whether to stress out over how to eat hot dogs or an IRS audit at gunpoint.  Whew!  I'm glad I don't have to worry about the hot dogs now!  

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