Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Room to Complain

Finally got to our destination and ate lunch with Thunderduck.  When it was time to drop him back off, the discussion turned to where we were staying.  MyPoolBoy had printed off a map to our hotel with turn by turn directions and the address BUT NOT THE NAME OF THE HOTEL (this is important for later).

We followed the directions on the nameless map and could not for the life of us decipher which highway was the correct one because they all crisscrossed and merged and sh1t so THAT was a lost cause.

Then we tried putting it into the gps (which I think is shorthand for "gypsy" cuz that bi+ch had us wandering all over the dayum place).  The gypsy bi+ch took us to the correct street and informed us that our "destination is on the left." Which was bullsh1t because all that was on the left was this concrete plant place.

Please note that this is NOT a hotel. 

It became apparent that the gypsy bi+ch was having a little fun at our expense.  And it was the wrong day for me to decide that I needed to rehydrate my skin and drink more water because at this point I really needed to be at a hotel so that I could pee.

I began the arduous task of convincing MyPoolBoy that, in spite of his best efforts, his travel doctrine of "we'renotpullingoverforanythingyoucanjustholdit" was not gonna fly this time.  The persuasion included me informing him that I WOULD pee my pants in his truck, because I had a change of clothes in the suitcase so it wasn't going to bother me.  He graciously let me crawl out the passenger side door and scramble into some trees on the side of the highway to relieve myself.  So at this point I can officially say that I have peed in the bushes in Missouri. (So far this trip has been one bucket list checkmark after another.)

  By the time I got back from my little adventure, MyPoolBoy had retrieved the phone number call history from his phone and found the name of the hotel that had been left off the map.  And, of course, the gypsy b1tch couldn't find it. She found one in Illinois and one in Pennsylvania but we were in neither of those places so I declared her useless as tits on a bull and decided to use MY phone to find it. We drove up the road a piece to turn around and we passed what I have to say is the purest use of the term "strip mall" I have ever seen:

Chicken Bones sports bar next door to a lingerie shop.
Yes, that sign says "Things & Crap" (sex toy shop)
The sign for this establishment actually says: Big Louie's Mermaid Cabaret.
WTF?  Surely there are "hookers" there!
I guess they are serious about that "show me state"stuff.

I typed in the name of the hotel, and it gave me the same concrete plant address as was on the map that MyPoolBoy had printed. 

 So Thunderduck tried it from his phone. 

And it gave us a GPS map that showed nearby locations/landmarks/points of interest.  Location point A which supposedly was located directly in front of our destination was - BIG LOUIE'S.

H3ll. No.  

Of course Thunderduck's phone would think that a motel behind a strip club was perfectly acceptable.  I did not.

I began to scream at MyPoolBoy that THIS WAS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN I WOULD SLEEP IN THE TRUCK.  WITH THE DOORS LOCKED. MyPoolBoy tried to argue his way out of it by saying that it was one of the last available motel rooms in the area due to the graduation and we might lose our deposit or get charged a cancellation fee for the night.  I explained to him that he might lose his life and/or manparts, thereby making a night behind Big Louie's a moot point anyway. 

I also shot back at him that the deposit or fee on a motel room behind Big Louie's couldn't possibly cost that much since they probably CHARGED BY THE HOUR.

Luckily, MyPoolBoy deemed his life and/or man-parts to be more valuable than a motel room deposit and he got the phone number and called for actual human being directions to our actual destination that was a few blocks down and on the highway. I got to stay in a real by-the-night-not-by-the-hour hotel room.

Amazingly enough, the building behind Big Louie's turned out to be an adult video store.

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